Ode to an OTALIA Widow…well, almost
March 30, 2009 by admin
Filed under Entertainment, TV
My significant other and I have been together more years than the average hetero couple… statistically speaking. I don’t know if that is a proponent’s statement on the possible longevity of gay marriage or if we just know how to stick it out. I do know that the new challenge in our many years of bliss is difficult to fight. I’m afraid I am losing my girl to an ACRONYM.
OTALIA. I know, it sounds like a character in some Shakespearean tragedy, but the real tragedy is that OTALIA is a soap opera couple. This is not any soap opera couple, but a pairing of sex siren, Olivia Spencer, and self-martyred matron, Natalia Rivera. This is the kind of coupling that makes men weep and lesbians lose their collective minds. I get it, honestly, I DO get it. Understandably, there is very little representative media out there. Check out any lez Netflix queue history and you will find any and every badly acted, single camera, Telemundo budget, girl story ever made. Copies of Imagine Me and You and Saving Face are viewed over and over and over again. Those have happy endings and no one burns at the end.
That being said, I’m having a hard time accepting the fact that I have been essentially widowed by a soap character. Damn you Crystal Chapell and your new gal pal Jessica Leccia! You are VERY attractive women, and I understand the DESIRE to tune in, but this is going too far. Weren’t all those male conquests enough, Olivia? What, you ran out of men to play with in Springfield? I understand, it’s a small town, and instead of recruiting you start playing for the other team. Ok, but why couldn’t you have just hooked up with Doris? Granted, OTALIA sizzles, but DOLIVIA is good, too! Right? You could have shared hats! Hey, listen, I’ve got nothing against switch hitters, I used to pitch to a couple myself, but now you’re swinging in MY house!
Our dinner conversations once centered on politics and current events, now they center on spoilers and speculation that OTALIA grow increasingly closer. That’s kind of hot…but …After-dinner clean-up seems to always include Saran Wrap and barely audible and mumbled commentary on a historical event and plastic wrap. Huh? Our nightly routine went from snuggle sessions on the couch to me sitting alone with the dog watching American Idol twice a week and trying to figure out from what planet Paula Abdul crash landed. My girl is constantly on the computer perusing her “purple” passions and “Google-ing” OTALIA and any new fix for her now addictive habit. Her dinging Crackberry is now an instrument of the immediate fix.
Tired of fighting a losing battle I agreed to watch the entire set of clips starting back in October. I have to admit, it IS pretty good. That Crystal is a woman I wouldn’t have minded meeting in a former life. However, I thought I was going to have to sleep on the couch when I said, “If she had a heart transplant, where is her scar?” Don’t get me wrong, the cleavage is beautiful, but it seems Olivia’s is the only heart transplant done by laparoscope! Also, why are they always folding laundry? It’s kind of sweet and innocent and every-day family life in a way, though. Thinking it must be some kind of aphrodisiac, I saved up a whole week’s worth of laundry and threw it on the couch…uh, nothing. Nope, not an aphrodisiac…
Then on a recent episode, Olivia’s heart monitor starts beeping and Natalia gets her to the nearest hospital bed. Tell me, why did Olivia have to have anesthesia to change the batteries in her beeper? I digress. Anyway, I took the batteries out of the smoke detector hoping my sweetie would hear the warning sound and whisk me off to the nearest bed…any bed. She just popped in another 9 volt and answered the ding of her Blackberry. I can’t win…but wait…
What’s that, honey? Come snuggle up and watch WITH you? OK… Crystal is kinda hot and you know how I like all things Latin. Wow, I like that little black dress and very nice shoes. Olivia has a nice voice. And those eyes, wow, you can see the love for Natalia. Did you see that look? And what’s up with that Frank guy, you bake a couple of cookies, have really bad sex, and he falls head over heels. Frank-furter, what a wiener! OMG! Why did you wake up? Pretend to pass back out, she’s so close you can smell the tuna noodle casserole! Do you really think she will marry him? Nat, don’t do it! Do you think Olivia will stop the wedding? Did you see that look? Hey, baby, check your Blackberry, it just went off. She so wants to take her and …uh, honey, can you go into the kitchen and get me a cookie and, uh, bring the laundry basket…
Whew! Ladies (and gentlemen), for those of you who feel a little abandoned by your significant other and their OTALIA obsession, I encourage you to tune in together, pull up a little laundry, and watch the whole thing unfold…
If I had a wife to be my widow – she would be. To my imaginary significant other I say sorry but come watch with me. LOL
That was hilarious. Except in this case, my wife is the widow!!! How I love me some OTALIA.
Thank you, you made my angst filled Otalia mind happy!
Sounds like I could be your SO.
I’m enjoying the ride. I hope you do too.
Well no wonder my love life sucketh right now. I believe in the pile system vs folding of laundry.
Gotta say this was hysterical. My partner thinks so too. I’m the Otalia-oholic and she’s the widow.
Les…
This was absolutely brilliant! Being one of those obsessed I can see all of your points exactly. I’m also glad you’ve seen the light and joined in the viewing as well. Aren’t Olivia and Natalia the best!?!
wonderful! wonderful!
best otalia write-up ever! i have an otalia orphan myself. she is a 6 year old jack russell who wonders why her mom is always yelling at the tv about some guy named “frank”, why she pauses the dvr anytime that olivia lady is on the screen and why she spends all her time on the computer typing and laughing at some silly thing called the “big purple dreams” website. sometimes she gives up with trying to get me to throw the ball and just curls up on the couch next to me. but she’s not much for debate or conversation. i guess she’s lucky that way.
great post!
Best thing I’ve read all night. And I’ve been on the computer… nevermind. I don’t think I’ve left it today. Best thing I’ve read all day. I don’t have a SO to widow but I do have a graduate program that is probably wondering where I am. Otalia and a Crackberry… talk about sweet dreams.
i love this post!
you made my bad Otalia day a weee bit better…
LOLz. I have no Otalia widow, only an Otalia orphan. My fuzzy kitty Edmund looks at me funny whenever I start perusing the BPD site, and at this point I think he rolls his eyes when he hears Destini’s voice from the podcast on my speakers.
That was classic!!…LOL
Otalinon. For friends and family members of Otaliaholics. I’ll pick you up for the meeting at 8pm. I have learned from your post–it seems I should take advantage of the laundry folding obsession while I can…
Watch it, Meredith.
LOL at this whole post. Your SO sounds like a sweet gal. LOL
And oh brother – I’m sooo coming home tonight to laundry sprinkled all over the house …
funny stuff! thanks much.
oh, and if it’s any consolation, you’re not really losing your girl to an acronym… technically it’s a portmanteau. which is soooo much sexier, doncha think? you could say, “it was this french thing” and people would simply nod knowingly.
Cheers! Right on! Have you sent this to GL so they know how much we’re loving it?!
You still have me cracking up over here! I love your write up!
That was AWESOME! And uhmmm…just a tad bit too close to home.
Unfortunately we just got the word that CBS has cancelled the show as of this morning…last epi is scheduled for September. *very sad* Let’s hope it goes to Oxygen or something – AOAtT =>All Otalia ALL the TIME.
OPERATION OTALIA – I WANT IT!!!
OMG, this was beautiful and after a looooong day where the show has been canceled and I’m now only getting done at 2:22 am with homework…I gotta say this really made me laugh!
I hope you and your significant other snuggle up together during all the angsty bits and jump for joy during all the great Otalia moments to come.
Thanks,
Rae
hilarious. and true. my gf was definitely in your shoes, but she’s since come to her senses and joined me on the otalia bandwagon.
I love it.After reading it 20 times i cannot stop laughing
My girfriend only says: I know what she feels…..
OMG, how freaking true. Every night I come home with the same thought…I’m going to do better and concentrate on things around the house….IT NEVER HAPPENS. Otalia is some strong stuff!!! HELP.ME!
Thanks for the laughs…although I don’t have an impending widow, I can see that going down..based on my own actions! LOL
Love it! My wife is a voyeur–she watches the occasional clip and agrees that CC is a fabulous actor and JL is amazingly dimpled (she likes dimples–I have them); so, although I’m not totally widowed, I see your point; however,I just can’t give up the habit; I’m hooked–breathless words of adoration, touchy-feely moments and all… buggy
Laugh! This totally cracked me up. I don’t have an Otalia widdow, although my friends are beginning to question my sanity (and so am I. Sort of)
This week is gonna be the death of me!