Balloon Boy: A Hot Air Hoax Orchestrated by Publicity Parent

Last week, I watched in horror as the unpredictable winds swiveled a helium balloon carrying a small boy across the skies of northern Colorado.  It was as if I was pitched back to my childhood and the uncontrollable angst I felt every summer as I watched Dorothy Gale twisted skyward across the plains of Kansas.   This time, however, I am not a child and this is not somewhere over the rainbow.  This is my own backyard, so to speak, and not the imaginary backlot of Warner Brothers.  Or so I thought…

As a member in good standing of the information age, I received a text message of “Breaking News” that a six year old boy had curiously crawled inside and accidentally untethered a helium-filled weather balloon.  As a result, he was adrift at an altitude of nearly 9,000 feet with no means of control and at the wavering mercy of air currents.  It doesn’t take an expert in aerodynamics and the winds aloft to deduce that a small boy adrift at altitude could have disastrous results.  Gravitational theory is a phenomenon tested time and time again; what goes up, must come down, and this homemade flying saucer was no exception.

First responders raced toward the balloon’s landing trajectory of a newly planted winter wheat field in hopes of recovering the balloon before it tumbled upon touch down, seriously injuring the boy inside.  It was soon revealed all was for naught as the balloon was empty.  It was now reported that the balloon had been fitted with an equipment basket that had apparently fallen off in flight.  Upon hearing the news, I experienced a sickening, sinking feeling…another six year old innocent lost.

Soon my cynical side began to emerge as discrepancies in accounts began to surface when the boy miraculously emerged from hiding for hours in the attic of the family garage.  As the child was trotted out with clipped wings from one national news show after another, it began to be painfully obvious that the only six year old tragic loss here was innocence.

Criminal charges are being compiled against the Heene parents as more and more evidence points to an orchestrated publicity stunt in hopes of procuring a reality television show starring the less than camera shy family.   Childlike honesty from the mouth of young Falcon Heene came just before the stress-induced projectile vomit pointed an accusatory finger at his father.  “You said we did this for a show,” Falcon said.

What does this say about our country’s obsession with celebrity that a man would subject his child’s mental well being to such public scrutiny?  Was his fifteen minutes of fame via ABC’s Wife Swap and subsequent unreleased sequel of same not sufficient enough?  At what point did being a good parent, a productive member of society, and raising healthy kids take a back seat to Octomom, Jon and Kate, and Anna Nicole Smith?  And why aren’t more people standing up and saying who the fuck cares?  Richard Heene should go back to whatever hillbilly hole of insecurity he was hiding in.  Slink back into obscurity where deviants of productive societal behavior belong.  Father of the year cred was revoked just as soon as the sexist, gay bashing, rap song preformed by the Heene kids, and posted with parental consent on Youtube, was picked up by the national media.

You wanted a reality show, well, you got it.  This is about as real as it gets.  Perhaps you will apply for the next season of LIFE Swap as no one would want the one you have now.  Criminal charges are being compiled at a state level and federal charges are contemplated with the FAA.  As your incarnate Icarus fell to earth, perhaps you never considered chasing this kind of media storm that puts you head to head with homeland security in a post 911 aviation safety world.

You might want to consider auctioning the net worth of your story to the highest tabloid bidder as you will need it, Mylar Man.  At a time when the budgets of first responders are stretched paper thin, compensation will be sought.  I hear flight for life charges thousands of dollars an hour, and that farmer whose winter wheat was trampled isn’t looking to FEMA for restitution, but to you, Dirigible Dad.

Last week I interviewed entertainment reporter, Lisa Bernhard, and the subject of today’s celebrity came up.  “You can become famous from almost anything”, said Bernhard.  “There’s almost no such thing as bad publicity and it’s kind of like, parents, why waste your money sending your children to Juliard when they can become rich and famous this way,” Lisa elaborated.  Richard Heene took it a step further and said, the only bad publicity is NO publicity.  As a result, the Zeppelin of Zeitgeist is polishing up his tap shoes as he begins to dance a little side step for the authorities.  But don’t worry, Dancing With the Stars is always accommodating to the unscrupulous whims of criminally indicted hot-air media whores.  Just ask Tom Delay.