I Do It Myself…with little thought of male
This weekend, I began a plumbing project that I had been neglecting for well over a year. It was nothing of a serious or health nature, it was merely a matter of ascetics…hence the year-long neglect. Plumbing is my least favorite of the do-it-yourself art forms, but I decided on a very hot, not-even-summer, global warming day, that getting a little wet wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen. So, I kicked off my cute strappy sandals for a pair of more appropriate work shoes (code word for ugly) and went to work.
Now, I’m a tinker thinker. I have to ponder a project before I get started. This particular project involves moving a few pipes to accommodate the new landscaping. I take a look in the garage and I have everything except a new length of pipe, a few couplers, and a new valve. Damn, I have to go to the hardware store. Now, I don’t know about your hardware store, but my Ace is the place where a woman is perceived as the weakest of the herd and is promptly pounced upon by the nearest red-vested predator…the ugly shoes are no deterrent.
I try to stealthily enter from the garden center, grab what I need, run for the check-out, and make a hasty exit to safety. Just as I thought I had made it, my shin was impaled by a small shopper-in-training cart adorned with the large red racing flag pushed by a suburban Lilliputian. My shrieks of pain gave away my position of cover, and I was promptly pounced upon. “What can I do for you, little lady?” Shit.
I tried to squirm out of the clutches, but I was caught. I explained what I was to purchase for my project, and I falsely assumed that he would let me go once my wealth of plumbing prose dazzled him. No such luck. He “helped” me collect my pipe and my valve, but the impasse came with the couplers. I picked from the bin the required pieces, but was promptly informed that is not the way I should go. Now, remember, I have this all thought out. I know exactly what I want. I just need to get it, and get out. The very aiding, but not so abetting, sales associate began to lecture me on the correct male and female coupling. I tried to interject on several occasions, but he just kept on talking. Finally, I stuck my hand up in defiance and said, “Sir, I am a lesbian, I don’t care much about male and female coupling.” A wink and a smile.
And the prey is allowed to escape in the confusion. I make a hasty retreat through the garden center check-out and around the building to my car. I laugh to myself. Wonder what he will say to me next time I come in…looking for a screw.
When you write it like a movie I giggle with Glee… and not the Tuesday night kind.
Your experience at the hardware store mirrors mine at Best Buy when I’m shopping in the computer or camera section. Well, without the lesbian reference. I am now of an age when the youngsters believe they must assist the clueless little old lady… until I start explaining to them how their products work…or don’t. My husband & I love flummoxing the salespeople, though. One year at our house, our kids gave him a set of cookware for Christmas and me a new video card for my computer and we were both very pleased with their choices. So much for stereotypes!
I am going to use that tack on my next trip. My attempts at stealth are comical at best. My knowledge is vast and varied and I seldom require unsolicited help. Now I have found the perfect comeback for almost every DIY trip to hardware store hell.
I was reading this at a What-a-Burger on my iPhone and nearly spit my tea on a few lines. Glad I didn’t as my LOLs while eating by myself garnered enough odd looks.
LOL, great stuff mind and I almost died from laughter reading your story. Keep it up and good luck with your plumbing project.
LOL…I needed a good laugh. I also [insert sarcastic tone] looove going to the hardware store and “getting helped” by the friendly male staff. Thankfully, there are usually several old ladies in there needing help at the same time (why they are always in there is a mystery). Thank you, M, for this.
This story cracked me up. I have had similar issues at my local Best Buy. Now, not only have I worked in the video games industry for many years, but I also build my own computers. Perhaps my “favorite” incident was when I was building a computer and just needed to pick up an external case. I kid you not, some guy stopped me to make sure I knew that it was just a case and not a whole computer. Oy! There have also been many times when “helpful” male employees have seen me carrying games for my PC and stopped to ask if I was sure my computer was powerful enough to run them. Even 3 or 4 years ago if I arrived at the register with a first-person shooter title, you’d have thought I had grown two extra heads. It would usually go something like this:
I am in the checkout line, waiting to pay for the game. When it’s my turn, I step up and hand the guy my game box…
Clueless Sales Guy (CSG): (swipes the reader thingy over the barcode and notices the price) “Wow, I can’t believe it’s that cheap. This game was around $50 when it first came out.”
Me: “Yes, I know.”
CSG: “Wow, it paid to wait.”
Me: “Yes, it did.”
CSG: (picking up the box and pointing at the system requirements) “A lot of people have trouble running this game because it has such high system requirements. You never want to go by the “minimum”. You always want to look at the “recommended.”
Me: (torn between amusement and irritation that he’s actually saying this to ME) “Yes, I know. I buy a lot of games. My system is quite powerful.”
CSG: “Oh, so you’re a gamer. Not many women play games.”
Me: (resisting the urge to sigh loudly and roll my eyes) “Actually, that’s a big misconception. A lot of women play computer games. .”
CSG: “I guess they probably like stuff like ‘The Sims’ or ‘Barbie’. Sometimes I see them buy stuff for the Nintendo DS.”
Me: (shooting daggers, on the verge of performing a bitch slap, but in a hurry to leave the store) “So, um, what’s my total?”
I want to start blogging too, what do you think, which blog cms is good for noob?
thanks for keeping me up to date on this subject.
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