With so much well deserved attention placed on the recent brilliant Weinstein Brothers movie, Bully, and other school bullying campaigns of late, I thought it only fitting to focus on the continued bullying of our American political playground.  Yes, Amendment 1 passed last week in North Carolina, but who other than compulsive gamblers with a penchant for the underdog, would have bet against this constitutional carnage passing?  For god’s sake, it’s North Carolina, the last deep south, anti-gay amendment holdout, in a half-witted heyday of human hate.

Now, before I get the emails denouncing my own perceived prejudice that say, “Schmootz, not all southerners are like that”, I agree with you…just 61% of them according to North Carolina statistics.  And least you forget, I’m an expatriate of Miss Pittypat’s School of Southern Propriety and have the scars (both literal and figurative) of the ugly underbelly of homespun hospitality and so-called evangelical Christian kindness.

Last week, while most of the country’s media, both mainstream and social, was focused on the Tar Heel State’s imminent losing battle against LGBT bigotry, the Centennial State was engaged in a bit of a civil war of its own.  Yes, Colorado, another one of those mid-American fly-over states, was on the brink of human rights history.  With little advocating fanfare from other than those with a vested state interest, Colorado Senate Bill 2 was making its way through the legislature.  SB12-002 granted civil unions to same-sex couples unable to marry under the state’s DOMA, thus providing an additional 27 rights, enjoyed with little notice, by heterosexual couples legally wed in the state.

The Colorado State Senate, controlled by the Democrats, passed the bill with little fanfare, as it has done in the past.  The legislative kiss of death has traditionally been the path through the state’s House and its GOP majority of one vote.  Characteristically smug that the weakling bill would die a slow re-death in committee, the House leadership proceeded with business as usual, seeing little need to sharpen up their sticks and apply any poking political pressure.  But wait, back the bully truck up…

House Finance Committee member, B.J. Nikkel, a Republican, a musician and a woman, votes YES, and a collective GOP gasp echos through the purple mountains of Colorado majesty…yes, purple, check the song.  And just like an avalanche of unexpected enlightenment, committee opposition tumbles…Rep. Don Beezley, GOP of the the House Finance Committee, “YES”, Rep. Cheri Gerou, GOP Vice-Chair of the Appropriations Committee and another woman to blame, “YES” to civil unions.  All that is left is another reading of the bill and a full House vote, of which there are adequate affirmatives to pass, and all committed citizens of Colorado will have the same recognized state’s rights under the law.

But wait, back the triumph truck up…

…right over the hopes and dreams of thousands of gay and lesbian Colorado citizens.  In one of the most blatantly obvious bullying tactics I’ve ever seen in politics, the Speaker of the Colorado House of Representatives, refused to bring the bill up for a procedural vote, and called an extended recess to play around with the political football and let the clock run out on on equal protection.  Now to be honest, the Democrats participated in a little retaliation of their own killing a couple of Republican backed bills like the “how much is too much medical pot to drive” bill.  But come on, really, just look in the back seat and count the Doritos bags.

Picking themselves up and dusting the dirt from their clothes, Colorado equal rights activists reluctantly handed over their metaphorical lunch money to the gavel-holding gang barring entrance to the statehouse door and vowed one day soon to have an equal place at the table.  And guess what?  Do you hear that beeping sound of something big backing up?  Colorado Governor, John Hickenlooper, in response to the childish games being played in his back yard, makes a stand and calls the legislature back in special session.  Add to that President Obama being jerked out of the closet by grass roots pressure, Will and Grace, and his own Vice President, and maybe, just maybe, the sanctimonious Slushie is on the other foot, right?  Wrong.  The Colorado GOP Speaker of the House verbally kicked the geeky governor to the curb and assigned the civil unions bill to the hard-core Conservative Veterans and Military Affairs Committee where after quite a bit of name calling about bestiality and bromance, the bill found no joy and was killed in action just behind party lines.

What does this tell us?  Well, I would suspect little more than those playground bullies from our youth merely grew up to be statehouse bullies in their adulthood.  Back-boned by a well funded and fearful, yet focused, moral majority, these so-called representatives will continue to blacken the eye of justice (why do you think she wears that blindfold) as long as the masses are allowed to vote on the civil rights of the minority.

I sincerely hope the Weinstein Company puts together Bully 2, the behind the scenes documentary of our political system starring those adult authoritarians, and supported by the national media and advocacy groups that enable them, that use their unsubstantiated personal and religious beliefs to beat against a bully pulpit and bloody into submission those with a marginalized voice.  It gets better?  Not always…ask that gay kid and his prep school barber, Mitt Romney.

I’m delving into the personal today, so bear with me.  This is not an easy blog to write.  As you know, I feel much more at home staying away from home and looking at the world from a safe distance of at least 30,000 feet.  Hmmm, maybe that’s why I became a pilot.  That’s probably another blog and another few months of therapy, and I am not here to write about me…not really.

I’m a big believer in just letting it out there, in ripping off the bandage and getting the screaming over and done.  It only hurts for a second, right?  And then one can get on with dealing with whatever circumstance dares infringe upon an ordered life.  That philosophy has served me well over the years with the exception of that which is most personal.  I’m a compartmentalizer; I shove it to the back of my mind and think about it later when I’m sleeping…which probably explains why I never sleep, and that’s another session for Dr. Glass.  Not today, however.  I have a little public ripping and screaming to do in anticipation that perhaps our family journey can be of some comfort to others.

Deep breath, swallow that lump, and let the cutting loose begin…

Regular readers know, or at least have an idea, that I have been in a loving, committed relationship for more years than I am worthy.  In most states, that would legally be a marriage, but not for us.  We have long sense made our peace with the inequalities of wedded bliss in the United States, and we have bound ourselves legally in other ways…the pocket-power-of-attorney; don’t leave home without it.  Standing in the majesty of nature’s purple mountains, we made our own vows.  It is not a stretch to imagine that archaic “obey” oath being excluded to the preference of compromise and respect, but it was important to us both to include the traditional “in sickness and in health”.  You just never know…

*insert sound of flesh being ripped apart from the Band-aid*

A few months ago, at the age of 36, my Randi was definitively diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease.

*insert scream and four-letter expletives here*

Before I go on, I want you all to work through the shock and those images of Muhammad Ali and Michael J. Fox in your head.  It’s fine, we have.  In fact, the first year and a half with symptoms we expertly navigated the murky waters of denial.

“What do you mean you can’t work the computer mouse?  It’s broken, throw it away and we will get a new, more sensitive one…” 

“A tingling, and painful right arm?  It must be overly compressed cervical discs…and there’s a doc for that.  Surgery?  Sure…”  

“What, after all that, there is no change?  A neurologist?  A movement disorder specialist?  Sure, I’ll go with you…”

I sat there watching Randi struggle to tap her right toe, repeatedly wrestle with touching her right finger to her thumb, and try over and over with little success to “screw in a light bulb” with her right hand.  As the second opinion was announced, my scientific mind dropped the pretense and my heart sank into a silent scream…thus ending my own personal journey on the surface of denial.

I am certainly not one of those of the conviction that the onset of death and disease is God’s will.  My God doesn’t pull vengeful shit like that.  The human body, though miraculously created, is a complex, organic cluster of chemical reactions that unfortunately fail sometimes.  I admit there is a certain psychological comfort provided by blaming this on some higher power, but in my mind, I knew better…I know better.

We all plot our personal course of comprehension at different speeds, so I held my life partner as tightly as I could to her repeated chorus of, “no, no, no…”  Randi is a spreadsheet builder, a number cruncher, and an executive financial officer whose professionalism leaves no doubt why certain levels of her career choice are called controller.  She needed a picture, something definitive to point to, and then sum it all up.  In a couple of weeks, we got that opportunity.  From the Michael J. Fox Foundation website, Randi sent me a link to a new diagnostic tool, called a daTscan.  The Fox Foundation blog post was announcing the FDA approval of this particular brain scan in determining presence/absence of dopamine, a neurotransmitter released by nerve cells in the brain to send to other nerve cells in the body.  Parkinson’s is caused by loss of dopamine-secreting neurons in the mid-brain.

The search was then on to find a hospital and a daTscan.  The technology is so new that most of the instruments are for research hospitals only and are not commercially diagnostic.  We sat at the computer and kept searching.  New York City.  OK, there are a few friends that we owe a dinner and a conversation, so that’s doable.  Minnesota?  Ooooh, too cold right now.  Mayo in Phoenix?  That’s certainly manageable.  We can make a day trip out of it; call and make the appointment.  Upon making the call, we learned that the website had not been updated, and there is an instrument here in town.  Good news at last.  Here is an example of the scan.

The bright red comma shape of a healthy hemisphere compared to the stark, point of a Parkinson’s-like period, is all Randi needed for acceptance.  Now, I won’t voice my disdain here for insurance corporations and what five politicians in black robes might do to a limited but better than nothing Obamacare, I will just say that no matter what the out of pocket expense for the commission of this particular portrait, it was worth every dime.  That picture became the vehicle upon which we, as a family, could move forward together.  Well, after a small meltdown session, and a day on the couch eating ice cream and watching marathon house hunting on Home and Garden TV.

It’s been a few months now, and life goes on.  I know there are probably a few questions from those who know us about symptoms, so let’s get to it.  Does Randi shake?  Not noticeably, but yes, she shakes when she gets emotional, and you can pretty much blame me for much of that.  Just like any spouse, I am exasperating at times.  I leave my shoes on the floor, my bowl in the sink, and my coffee cup(s) everywhere…not to mention on the very rare occasion, I can be a bit of a smart ass.  Sometimes, though, I think she picks a fight with me on purpose…there seems to be a direct correlation between our fights and the sound of ice in the martini shaker.

Does Randi drag her arm when she walks?  Sometimes, but I bought her a fabulous new purse with a shoulder strap that seconds as somewhat of a sling…but who notices the arm with that gorgeous purse around it?!  And some people say shopping is a waste of time.  Does she limp?  Only when she walks.  Randi also has an impressive, but unfortunately unnecessary, scar from disc surgery that runs horizontally across her neck.  I have to say here, honey, please stop telling people you got your throat cut wrestling me out of a biker bar.  I’ve had my rebellious years and I still love leather, but the Harley drivers I know presently are mostly attorneys.  The closest I ever get now to the real Sons of Anarchy is following Kurt Sutter on Twitter.

Is there pain?  Yes.  Only about one percent of patients have associated chronic pain with PD, and unfortunately this is the mega, low-chance lottery she hit.   Having been recently accepted into a clinical trial for a new drug, however, we are hoping within a few weeks the pain will subside.  On the bright side, for now, Vicadin is prescribed in the party pack size as if we purchased it from Costco.

I write this blog not to embarrass Randi, though I’m sure it will.  She understands that this very personal account is to let others out there with Parkinson’s Disease and other movement disorders know that they are not alone.  In contradiction to some very worthwhile campaigns, it doesn’t always get better, but in having others to help you share your burden, the tiresome effects of carrying that weight in isolated totality become tolerable.

A couple of years back, I interviewed entertainment reporter and breast cancer survivor, Lisa Bernhard.  I am inspired by all that she and Matthew Zachary have done with, Stupid Cancer, and the advocacy they provide to young adult cancer warriors.  It is Randi’s and my desire to take a page from their playbook and do something productive for others.  Let’s face it, there are just so many days the two of us can spend on the couch with Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy and annoying home improvers.  So why not channel the times of frustration into something that can make a difference?  From what the doctors tell us, only 3% of diagnosed Parkinson’s Disease patients are in their 30’s, and there is very limited patient resources in the form of support groups and communication sites for those with early onset PD.  There is our outlet; see a void and fill it.  We are pretty savvy at social networking and websites, and when we approached the Brain Center with the idea, they immediately voiced interest in partnering.  Lisa and Matt have “Stupid” pretty much to their own, so what do you think of putting F*cking Parkinson’s on a t-shirt?  Or the “heroes of FUPD”?  We’ll work on it in the next few months, and of course, we welcome any feedback and assistance we can get.

How are we? Oh, we have a new normal based around cell phone alarms signaling the appropriate pill popping times, but we can do that.  As the doctor said, this is not a death sentence, and I’m going to hold him to it.  I have a very strong faith and I believe in the power of prayer, but I am a scientist, too, and just as strongly, I believe in the God-given gift of beautiful minds and research.  I believe with all my heart there are breakthroughs on the horizon.  To say that I go to bed at night without any fear to hide away somewhere, I would be lying, but every night as I lie beside her and feel the effects of a tremorous consciousness fall victim to the welcome stillness of rejuvenating slumber, I am not afraid.

We spend quite a few hours in hospitals and waiting rooms now, and as we sit there, hand in hand, and observe so many of those suffering around us, we feel so very fortunate.  We have each other and all those wonderful years ahead of us.  Sure, they make look a little different than we imagined them six months ago, but time spent together with the person you love is precious time…no matter how shaky it gets.

We are blessed…and have been from the beginning.

Oh, Canada!  Why is it that I find myself constantly entertained (and informed) by my neighbors to the north?

A friend recommended on several Skype occasions, and again a few nights ago, that I watch Out With Dad, a Canadian coming of age dramedy about a typical teenager, Rose (Kate Conway), and her coming to terms struggle with her sexuality.  Our recent Skype session was about indie music in web series, and once again she asked me if I had watched Out With Dad.  Sufficiently chastised for my excuses of insufficient time, I promised that I would pull it up the next day…promise.

Being a creature of my word, I sat at the corner Greek cafe, Souvlaki pita in hand, and watched all of season one and up to the latest offering of season two all in one sitting…I just couldn’t stop.  For those who know me, to realize my attention could be captured completely away from the lovely Mediterranean ladies who own the cafe, is truly an astonishing achievement.

Now, I could expound on the quirky cuteness and the genuine humor of this series, or I could extrapolate the Romeo & Juliet style, star-crossed conflict of young love.  Yes, I could mention that the music is an indie soundtrack worthy of multiple downloads.  I could even illustrate that I got my science-girl geek off on the use of an actual chemistry equation as a catalyst to drive the balanced, physical reaction of Rose and her best friend, Vanessa (Lindsay Middleton).

I could, but I won’t…not this time.  What inspired me to tears and what forced me to write this support blog of sorts, is the role of Rose’s father, Nathan (Will Conlon).  Nathan is a concerned, single-father of a questioning teenager, and his reaction should be used as a primer for parents seeking the tools to understand the pain experienced by a child struggling with the fear and confusion of identity issues and coming out.  As an adult who works often with teens, I applaud Out With Dad for expertly tackling this sensitive subject matter in such a way that is both humorous and heartwarming.

Last year, I was teaching a class on science and religion.  Yes, you read that correctly, and yes, the two subjects can co-exist.  At the end of the class, and as I was about to leave, I noticed a teenage girl hanging around pretending to straighten up after the class.  I say pretending because the class was held in a chapel, and trust me when I say it wasn’t un-clean.  Experience tells me that teenagers don’t tidy up for the hell of it, so I opened my computer and I, too, pretended to work.  Eventually, the young girl found her way to the front of the room, aligned her last box of tissues with the hymnal, and then nervously asked if we could talk.  Now, unlike an iconic 80’s sitcom star, I don’t normally wear my scarlet “L” embroidered to my clothing, but I had a pretty good idea of the direction this conversation was going.  I nodded in the affirmative and closed my laptop.

She asked about herself, “Why am I different?  Why am I not like all the other girls?”  I have it on good authority, and contrary to what my mother told me, lightning will not strike you dead if you curse in church because I’m pretty sure I said aloud, “Oh, fuck, why don’t you ask me something simple…like explain the theory of quantum mechanics?”  She laughed as she knew my style and knew that I was kidding.  Kind of.  She continued, “My mom says that I should act more like a girl, to dress like a girl…that’s my problem.”  I looked into those sad, brown eyes and said, “I don’t know, how’s a girl supposed to act; how is a girl supposed to dress?”  She looked down at her Melo basketball jersey, her jeans and her high-top sneakers, and then she looked back to me and pointed at my clothes, “Like that,” she said.

“Jesus,” I said, and then listened for thunder.  Upon hearing only the echo of my own voice, I said, “Yeah and my mother told me I couldn’t be a lesbian because I didn’t wear comfortable shoes…”  She smiled, and there was my in.  We sat together for what seemed like hours, and I got the chance to explain that parents do the best they can do with the tools they are given.  Unfortunately, in some areas like the suburbs, the tools are pretty old-testament and obsolete.  Funny, to ask some of today’s parents to carry around the crushing weight of an old boom box on their shoulders, they would laugh at you as they slipped their iPhones in their pocket.  But ask them to reject the science and mathematics of 2,500 year old scripture or culture, and they look at you like you are crazy…or worse yet, a Democrat.  (I know, but I couldn’t help myself.)  That’s why a web series like Out With Dad and its continued success is so important.  Rose’s dad, Nathan, is the compassionate, antithetical tool to Vanessa’s mother’s (Wendy Glazier) harsh, dated, and indifferent devices.

Out With Dad is out and proud that the series has had a positive effect on the lives of thousands of LGBTQ fans and their family members across the globe.  It is no small accolade that it is officially recognized by PFLAG Canada as a tool for those struggling with issues of sexual orientation and gender identity, but why stop at our northern border?  I am making it a personal mission to get the series link to every high school counselor, every youth group minister, and every hard-ass, frightened, suburban parent I know.  Frequent readers of this blog know that I can be a bit of a tool myself sometimes.

Now, my fellow Americans, and those reading outside my geographic borders, unlike Canadian healthcare, this potential life saving production is not free.  I urge you, watch here.  And then, as I am about to do, donate here to aid in funding a third season.

No matter the moniker:  girlie or tomboy, scholar or artist, lesbian or straight, high-tops or high heels…we are all human beings.  “What’s in a name?  That which we call a Rose by any other name would smell as sweet”…right?

When web series Wonder Twins, Tina Cesa Ward and Susan Miller, reluctantly announced there would be no season four of Anyone But Me, only an extended, single-episode, series finale, I immediately thought, “How the hell will they corral in one, twenty minute episode, all that got loose in Season 3?”  The simple answer, they can’t.  This series demands and deserves another season.  But just as waging an ideologically motivated, 21st Century war on women defies logic in today’s American political system, so does the inability to procure adequate corporate sponsorship for one of the most watched, and most awarded, original series on the web.  So, it is with a bittersweet undertaking that I write my final blog entry on Anyone But Me, the Finale.

Immediately, the audience is comforted to know Vivian (Rachael Hip-Flores) and Aster (Nicole Pacent) have found their way back home and to each other.  In a perfectly funded world, I would have loved to have seen this emotional journey on screen with the lovely Dr. Glass (Liza Weil) as my subjective tour guide.  Luckily, I’m a bit of a romantic, and I take solace in the fact that this relationship can be contorted into various dimensions of theoretical geometry only to recognize what is proven…the shortest distance between two hearts is an unbroken line…and bonus, this teachable moment comes wrapped in Egyptian cotton.

(Can I just say that I am a little nostalgic for the “broke-back” blanket?  Yippee ki yay!)

I detect a distinctly adult and mature feel to this finale.  It is comforting to see these ABM characters growing up, establishing their own identities, and moving forward.  Elizabeth (Alexis Slade) has rekindled her love for the theater, Jonathon (Mitchell S. Adams) has apparently found love on his phone, and Vivian and Sophie (Jessy Hodges) share a very sentimental, lean-forward, moment about life, relationships, and how “it takes a lot of years to get over the superstar that is you”.

I remember when Aunt Jodie’s (Barbara Pitts) parenting skills had little more depth than an after-school special.  Now she is a lioness, fiercely and unapologetically protective of her pride…as her sister, Viv’s mother, attempts to prey her way back into the picture after abandoning her family years ago.  Yes, this is a drama, not a soap; I’ll defend that position vehemently.  And as with any adroit drama, there is assuredly an antagonist that will attempt to disturb the landscape…even to the very end.

Vivian is justifiably angry at this runaway source of maternal security that forced her to reverse caretaker roles at such an early age.  More so, she is afraid of what this new dynamic will do to her presently comfortable and dependable view of the world.  What will introducing this variable do to her constant?  It is my sincere hope that one day Ward and Miller will be able to tell me.

What began as a revolution of sorts in 2008, ends with a resolution.  What happened to “Vivster” in the past writes their personal story.  Though there may be a chapter or two of transformation that is difficult to get through, there is renewed commitment to the chronicle.  As Aster so comfortingly says to Vivian in her time of insecurity, “I’ll still be here…that won’t change.”  And I believe her.

Anyone with a past knows that our history, especially our history with family, certainly sets the context for our present.  And in that, I am intrigued that the title of this final episode, “We went down to Battery Park…”,  is the first line of the first episode of Season One.  From that point forward, the stage is set, right?  “Whereof what’s past is prologue.”

Here’s to new beginnings…

]]> http://mindschmootz.net/2012/03/anyone-but-me-series-finale-a-new-beginning/feed/ 6 http://mindschmootz.net/2012/02/let-the-good-times-roll/ http://mindschmootz.net/2012/02/let-the-good-times-roll/#comments Wed, 22 Feb 2012 01:53:11 +0000 admin http://mindschmootz.net/?p=3732

For the better part of a week, my friend, Adele, has been sending me texts and pictures filled with the color and character of New Orleans.  She returned to her home town of big sin and an even bigger easy to spend a few days with family and to celebrate Mardi Gras.  With each remembrance delivered across virtual space, I miss that wonderful city of peccant song, food, and spirit.

I used to see a girl from New Orleans whose Cajun grandmother was an absolute love.  We would travel for miles, top-down, and wind in our hair, deep into bayou country…where the state bird is the mosquito.  There’s no way I could miss one of Mamma Toula’s home-eatin’ events.  Upon arrival, the thick, damp, air wafted my way the most wonderful of olfactory sensations simmering in large, cast-iron pots over an outside open-fire.  It was too damn hot to cook that much food inside the small, clapboard house the family matriarch had lived in for decades.

On no too few occasions, I summoned the courage to ask for the tightly held secret family jambalaya recipe.  Each time, Mamma Toula declined, but would joyfully quiz me on the contents of that one-pot wonder.  I passed with flying colors when asked to list the vegetables, but the meats, I have to admit, were sometimes a mystery.  She would shake her head at my eventual surrender and say with a wink, “Dats alma dillon, Sha.”  I never asked if she was kidding with me.  I never really wanted to know the truth about the alma dillon.

Alma dillon

I firmly believe that little old woman was a seer…or as my daddy would call her, a diviner.  I remember as if it was yesterday walking up to Toula while she stirred those big pots, blackened by seasoning.  She always wore her hair in a not-so-tight bun that allowed errant silver strands to wisp across her face…and she smelled of lye soap.  When I leaned down for a tight hug, she would put her thin, work-worn, liver-spotted hands up to my face, look directly into my eyes, say something in a dialect that I didn’t quite understand, and then she would smile a gapped-tooth smile.  I had the eery, but warm feeling that she was looking right through my soul, and for a brief moment, I felt an anxious relief at her touch.

I’m smiling right now as I remember sweet Toula and her family.  I sit at my kitchen table with an Abita beer in one hand and a worn brown paper bag in the other.  On that flattened grocery sack, in a faded, almost illegible scrawl, are the ingredients to the best pot of Cajun cooking the angels ever left behind.  Yes, eventually, after many late night conversations around a liquid concoction called tunda an’ lightnin’, Momma Toula “saw” that I was worthy of many family secrets.

Squinting my eyes I read tomatoes, onions, garlic, peppers, celery, chicken, shrimp, sausage, ‘gator, and my sweet Cher, alma dillon.  Wonder if Whole Foods has a reptile section?

Let the good times (and good food) roll…

Regular readers know that I am not a big fan of Valentine’s Day.  It’s not that I am lonely and bitter and prefer to wile away a cold February night in a dark room sipping tepid soup from a can and lamenting my lost loves, I just hate being told what to do…especially by corporate America…especially about matters of the heart.  Luckily, I have a better three-quarters who feels the same way I do, or I would be one of those “she went to Jarrod” schmucks standing in line on February 13th.  Wait, there is no “she” in Jarrod, is there?  Alas, the point of this post.

After a long day at work and after working our asses off (literally) at the gym, Randi and I decided to spend Valentine’s night dressed in our respective PJs and in front of the television.  Qdoba Mexican Grill is right around the corner from the gym and just around the next corner from our house, so we decide to pop in, grab something fast and naked, and avoid the Valentine’s holiday hullabaloo.   Jumping from the car and running into the fresh food served fast restaurant, I was stopped still in my Asics.  The line for service wrapped around the inside of the dining area.  I know this is the Colorado ‘burbs, but I would have expected this more on coupon night at Chili’s…or Chick-fil-a.

Too tired to turn around, we took our places in line and contemplated our culinary wait.  To the employees’ credit, the line moved remarkably quick, and it didn’t take long for me to realize why the queue was longer than a Santorum book-signing at Focus on the Family.  To help spread the love, Qdoba was offering a BOGO deal, yes, buy one gigantic, feed-a-family-of-four burrito and get one free.  No coupon necessary, no phone app required…just a pair of lips, well, two pair.  Yep, a sign next to the ORDER HERE section of the counter read, BOGO when you kiss your significant other, family member, or a willing stranger.  I nudged Randi’s attention toward the sign, and I immediately knew what she was thinking…A FREE MEAL!  I gave her the raised eyebrow “look”, and then I saw the light bulb.  Yes, this could be interesting.  On no too few occasions, kindergartners in this county have been suspended for PDA hugging at recess, so what do you suppose ogling two lesbians kissing in broad almost-daylight would do?  Turn you to a pillar of salt?

Seeing Randi and me laughing, the two women next to us in line assume to be in on a joke.  One of them looks at me and says, “I know,” pointing to the the female beside her.  “This is my cousin, so it’s OK; we’re gonna do it for a free burrito.”  Being raised in the South, and a regular viewer of Downton Abbey, I’m pretty familiar with kissing cousins, so I replied, “We’re lesbians, and we’re gonna enjoy it.”

As an observer of life, I have to admit I was toying a bit with her in order to get a reaction.  Much to my surprise, and to my pleasure, she burst with the most pleasant of laughs.  “Please,” she said.  “It’s pretty conservative around here…and these elected officials.”  Then she rolls her eyes.  “It’s all good with me,” she pauses and leans closer, “my home office is in San Fran.”  I think I fell a little in love with that woman.  She goes on to kiss her cousin, has the cashier record it on her phone so she can show her husband, and then she wishes me and my life partner the happiest of Valentine’s evenings.

Having kissed and cashed out to surprisingly little fanfare, my significant other and I take our naked bowls of goodness home, sweet home.  I was turning to take the stairs for a quick shower when a friend text to ask if we were watching Glee.  That question could only mean one of two things about Fox’s offering of iTunes downloads wrapped around a plot or two; it was either good…or really, really bad.  The red light on the Tivo signaled the singing show was recording, and the clock indicated it was more than twenty minutes into the telecast…yay, I can skip through the commercials without catching up.

Now, I had a funny feeling that a Glee episode entitled, Heart, that airs on February 14th would be an obvious ploy to pull both of those under-represented Nielsen family lesbians away from Rizzoli & Isles and their set meters back to Fox.  Networks are famous for sweeps shenanigans showering us with girl on girl double entendre all the while doubling down on the double standard.  I prepared myself for what surely was to come, more nauseating displays of PDA by Finn and Rachel, a possible sticky hook-up for Sugar and Artie, and Mercedes and Trouty will most certainly spawn while Santana and Brittany will eye gaze, head butt, and shoulder nudge themselves until they need glasses.

And so it begins…or so I thought.  There seems to be an evolution…or in this case, I’ll say intelligent design.  Take a look.

CLICK HERE

I can’t believe it.  Did Brittany just real-kiss Santana in the middle of a restaurant (like “Finchel”) with no fade to black and no network disclaimer?  Or did I get some bad pork?  Of course not, Qdoba is aces (thank you Bomb Girls vernacular).  I was beginning to believe I would never see a major US network apply their standards and practices equally, without regard to gender, in a loving, intimate storyline.  I know it’s Glee, and when it comes to social messaging, it has been pushing the envelope from the beginning, but this episode, entitled Heart, pushes the message right through the front door of millions of homes in the American heartland…love is love, and two female Valentines are equally as deserving of a superseded 60’s pop song as any pairing…and then react accordingly.

I have to say, I started out this Valentines Day of 2012 with a willful disregard for the pomp and circumstance of a retail, Hallmark holiday, and I ended up celebrating a couple of corporations whose standards encourage two lesbians to walk into a restaurant, get naked (so to speak), and kiss for their supper just like any other patron.  That’s not just progressive; that’s progress.

Note from ‘Schmootz:  I wanted to call this blog Naked Burritos With a Side of Santana: Equality With a Hispanic Flavor.  It didn’t turn out that way, but I didn’t want to waste this great title.  LOL

I am pro-Choice.  That means I am the decider when it comes to issues of personal health, personal happiness, and personal wealth…and with that, the distribution of such wealth.  Today, I have made the personal choice to strike the Susan G. Komen Foundation from my list of annual giving.  I choose to put people above politics, to fund local centers directly, and to get my green out of the pink so to speak.  In light of the Foundation’s recent decision to eliminate funding for Planned Parenthood, I will no longer race for the organization, bike for the organization, walk three days for the organization, or snowshoe for the organization.  Yes, I said snowshoe.

Now, the Komen foundation denies that it caved to political pressure from the right wing when it threw Planned Parenthood and thousands of poor women under the anti-abortion bus.  Personally, I believe the somewhat rose-colored organization is showing it’s true colors…yellow.  Komen sites the ongoing federal investigation into tax-payer funding of Planned Parenthood as the impetus behind revoking the funding.  Komen conveniently ignores the pink pachyderm in the room in that this investigation hinges on an ideologically based report by the anti-abortion organization, Americans United for Life.  This investigation smacks of Congressional over-reach by Rep Cliff Stearns (R-FL), and let’s face it, the ACORN doesn’t fall far from the tree.  To the Komen foundation, I say fine, investigate, but what happened to innocent until proven guilty?

This is what really stinks.  All tied up in a nice, pink, bow is the Komen Foundation’s new Vice President of Public Policy, Karen Handel.  Supported by Arizona Governor, Jan Brewer, and Fox News pundit, Sarah Palin, Ms. Handel made it perfectly clear in her primary bid for Georgia governor last year that she planned to eliminate grants for Planned Parenthood.  In a statement on her campaign blog dated July, 2010:  “During my time as Chairman of Fulton County, there were federal and state pass-through grants that were awarded to Planned Parenthood for breast and cervical cancer screening, as well as a ‘Healthy Babies Initiative’…Since grants like these are from the state I’ll eliminate them as your next Governor.”  The Komen VP may have failed in her bid for governor of the Peach State, but not in her pledge to defund Planned Parenthood.

Handel also posted, July, 2010: “I am staunchly and unequivocally pro-life. I believe in the sanctity and inherent dignity of human life, and I will be a pro-life governor who will work tirelessly to promote a culture of life in Georgia…. I believe that each and every unborn child has inherent dignity, that every abortion is a tragedy, and that government has a role, along with the faith community, in encouraging women to choose life in even the most difficult of circumstances…. since I am pro-life, I do not support the mission of Planned Parenthood.”

Come on, Ms. Handel.  Abortion makes up about 3% of what Planned Parenthood provides as services.  In the last five years, aided with funds from the Komen Foundation, Planned Parenthood provided 170,000 breast exams and 6,400 mammogram referrals to low income women, who otherwise, in the United Stated of America, would have been left out of the healthcare system.

In this political climate, it’s pretty easy to play political football with the lives of the poor.  It makes for a good sound bite to say you are a person of faith, but let’s face it, doesn’t it seem that you are a little too heavenly minded at times to do much earthly good?  I am pro-choice, but I am also pro-life.  My working definition, however, is not that life begins at conception and ends at birth.  Life lasts, well, a lifetime.  And for the needy and the least among us, that lifetime could be pretty short with no early cancer detection and no screening.

On the charity’s website, Nancy Brinker, founder and CEO of the Susan G. Komen Foundation asks at the end of her statement expressing her sister’s story, “Could one person really make a difference?”  Yes, Ms. Brinker, I certainly think so…it’s your choice what kind of difference you intend to make.  Perhaps the race for the cure you should be worried about is blind ideology.  It, too, is a cancer that should be cut out.

I am a Christian.  No, not the Tim Tebow kind.  I don’t strike the overly publicized prayer pose when I score a new pair of sale shoes at Nordstrom.  I’m just your everyday, run of the mill Methodist who wears nothing on my sleeve but the occasional well-tailored jacket.  Among other things, I embrace altruism, criticism, patriotism, and thanks to years of partnered cohabitation, Judaism.  Yes, we are a culturally and religiously blended family.  Last year I wrote about our combined efforts in trimming the best Christmas tree ever, but this year I think it only fitting to wish my Jewish friends the happiest of Hanukkah celebrations over the next eight days.

On Christmas Day, we eat Chinese, but tonight we will sit down to lamb shanks with pears and pistachios, butternut squash latkes with sage and pine nut yogurt, and a pea spaetzle with mint, chives, and tomatoes.  And who will cook this culinary extravaganza?  The Christian, the one who historically ate ham at every religious holiday.  Yes, in the beginning, God (and my mother-in-law) begat a steep learning curve.

My favorite holiday Hanukkah meal was prepared a few years ago by me and my good friend, Chele.  I use the terms “holiday” and “prepared” lightly as Chele was raised Catholic, is now an agnostic, and tends to multiply everything by large whole numbers when converting in the kitchen…which explains my near alcohol poisoning this summer.  Anyway, under the strict supervision (and bottomless wine glass) of the household Hanukkah expert, the runaway former Southern Baptist and the fallen Catholic put together a brisket and fried potato pancakes (it’s all about the oil, and that’s where the Southern part came in handy) that would make you wanna slap your mamma (ok, that, too).  Before we sat down, though, and before the sun set, Randi, put aside her wine glass and picked up a match to light the shamash, the attendant candle that lights the other candles in the menorah.  She recited the blessing over the candles while lighting them.  The blessing is in Hebrew, but you don’t have to be Jewish, or religious for that matter, to appreciate the beauty in the message.  Count your multitudinous gifts and be thankful for each and every one.

I look around the holiday table each year and offer my gratitude for the many miracles reflected in the faces in front of me, and in the faces foremost in my memory.  I am constantly amazed at those who love me not only for what I am humanly allotted, but for eight times more than the expected.  I am truly blessed.  In return, I can only offer you my expressions of thankfulness and my vow to watch over you, to be your advocate, your shamash…so that I might give back some of the abundant light you bring into my life.

Happy Hanukkah!

Once upon a time, there was a very beautiful queen; hair, black as the raven; eyes, brown as chestnuts; and skin, smooth as cream.  She was the fairest of the land, but the unfairest of heart in that her inner self-loathing manifest itself in an evil, Freudian way, and was displaced throughout the queendom onto those who wished to live their own truth and happiness.  In a desperate, last ditch effort to ruin the happiness of her closest, female rival, the Not-nice Queen cast a curse on her fairy tale subjects locking them all into a one dimensional, single spot in time, along the New England coastline of the United States.  Controlling the small-town populous with a cunning, iron-will and poison produce, Mayor Queen establishes an electorate oblivious to their storied history and the world around them…which is quite the effective cover as the ruse blends in quite well with most American voters.

Few outside the maine-land know that the sinister spell can be broken only by true love’s kiss.  (Not true love’s FIRST kiss…everyone knows that abstinence stuff doesn’t work.)  As circumstance would have it, a tough-talking stranger, of tank top and handsome features, arrives by cover of night in quest for answers regarding the first child.  The Evil Mayor, having stopped the passing of her town’s present time, needed only to adopt a son to silence the sounds of her own biological clock.  The origins of the male heir in question, the blonde stranger becomes quite the antagonist to the lovely, but troubled town leader.  Threatening to unearth the true identity of the sleepy town and ruin her sinister plan, the evil queen of the town council makes it a personal point to keep a close eye on the comely stranger.

It is a grim fable to believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  It is actually the presence of sexual chemistry and constant, unrequited tension that provide the fertile ground for the planting of true love’s kiss.  One close-up, emotional encounter too many, the stranger follows the instinct of a wanting heart and pulls the raven-haired beauty into the softest of passionate kisses.  The now civil servant bristles no more and lets down her beard of personal doubt.  The birds begins to sing, the sun begins to shine, and the dark cloak of the curse is lifted from the people of the town.

The two beautiful women move to Vermont with their son, buy an apple orchard…and live happily ever after.

It could happen.  In fact, something similar is happening right now on ABC’s Once Upon a Time.  I’m not saying that the Disney network won’t stay true to form in its historic editing of fables and fairy tales to assure a happy ending with a white steed and the opposite sex lip-lock of a handsome prince.  What I am saying is wouldn’t it be nice if ABC had the courage of a huntsman to do the unexpected?

From Snow White, to Sleeping Beauty and Little Mermaid, to a myriad of other fairy tales, fables, and folklore, true love’s kiss has become quite trite in its portrayal.  This is the 21st Century with evolving attitudes of what constitutes love and family.  Yes, ABC’s Once Upon a Time is scoring high with all those Nielsen soccer moms, but there does seem to be some groundbreaking and gallant potential.

via Tumblr

I know, know…subtext can be found under a rock if you look hard enough, especially if socially marginalized and searching for some self-reflective form of representation.  But what if…just what if…ABC could find its big old Mouse balls and make the bold move that defines true love’s kiss in terms of the heart instead of gender.   Maybe it could happen, once upon a time..in my lifetime.

“Always let your conscience be your guide.” – The Blue Fairy

**Swan Queen gif created by: kpfun  Thank you.