Well, it’s time for the February sweeps story arcs to begin, and Tweetland is all a twitter with pimps and polls for the middle-aged Mayan marriage re-tread.  I, like many, was craving a heaping helping of independent Carly storyline, but instead, it seems like we will be fed a plate full of Barly this season.  Just what all daytime fans need, more roughage.  But never fear, loyal and regular readers.  I will take this sacrificial Dickensonian twist and hold out my bowl for more so you don’t have to. This is my gift.

Bo comforts a nervous Carly with news that whoever was poking around the Swiss baby bank didn’t make a withdrawal of her personal records.  Of course, there was some kind of alpine flood and Carly’s records have not been restored.  Floods in Switzerland!  What more evidence do those “deniers” need of global warming?

After speaking to Carly, Bo runs into Vivian who tries to warn him of his continued dalliance with that hippocratic succubus.  Oh, Vivian.  You had me at guttersnipe, now succubus?  Either Louise Sorrel carries around her own copy of Dialogue for Daytime Dummies, or she is sub-contracting locution experts from Days gone by.  Vivian explains to Bo that by ignoring his family for that strumpet, he is chasing his wife into the arms of another man.  She saw Hope ringing in the new year by clanging Justin’s clapper.

Later at the hospital, Dr. Manning gets on the elevator without noticing Cruella de Vivian in the back snacking on a bag of puppy chips.  I would say let the games begin, but Carly has been transformed into a sniveling hot mess of claustrophobic weakness.  Like a cat with a ball of yarn, or a CBS soap executive with a lesbian, Vivian begins to tease and cajole Carly.  Vivian threatens revenge for Lawrence’s murder and promises to see Carly in hell.  What, Salem’s not it?

Vivian exits the elevator leaving Carly to a dysfunctional lift and flashbacks of being buried alive.  Gasping, yelling, and shouting, Carly’s face turns blue…no, wait, that was my elevator ride in Vegas.  Carly freaks out while the maintenance man pries open the door just as Bo rides up on his trusty nag.  Does anyone need Fabio on the cover to see where this is leading?  Carly, apparently having lost her backbone, collapses into Bo’s arms.  He takes her to her hotel room where after almost 20 years, Bo still remembers how to play doctor.

The after-glow (What no, tank tops?) is interrupted by a call from Hopelessness, where her matrimonial American Idol is “looking like a fool with his pants on the ground”.  Hope says her Uncle Mickey died, and she needs Goofy.  Bo puts on his pants and meets his wife.  The little woman begins to talk about coming home when someone interrupts and asks Bo if he got Dr. Manning home ok.  Hope immediately recognizes the eau de Carly, that she initially thought was a sickeningly sweet new cologne, and kicks the old cop to the curb.

Hope runs home to the Horton’s and finds Carly there putting out her condolences.  Hope calls Carly a whore.  No, that was Olivia, but Crystal did say she was bringing a little of the character with her.  Maybe THAT’S what she meant.  Hope tells the family to take their grief to the kitchen.  Hope and Carly began to fight their way to the moral high-ground, but neither could muster the attitude of that altitude.  Bo arrives just in time for me to omit the scenes of overacting Hopelessness.

Vivian believes she has figured out the identity of Carly’s daughter.  She’s got an app for that.  She says it has to be Mia, the cheer-less leader, the single runt of Carly’s only (as far as we know) litter.  Much to my recap relief, Carly admits she’s no Mia Mama, and confesses that Melanie is her daughter.  Of course, Melanie doesn’t realize take your mother to work day includes a murdering, home-wrecking, shrew, but Carly is out to change all that by needling, hovering, and smothering…bet she’ll start making cookies SOON!

The recap:

Carly arrives at Bo’s house to inform him moving in with Maggie didn’t work out.  All “hairography” aside, the hostile maternal haploid didn’t like the idea of Carly as house mom, and the other one agreed.  Bo’s wife is present and begins to question Carly about why she wanted to move into HER aunt and uncle’s house.  I would intentionally omit this diatribe again as I grow weary of the persistent Hopelessness, but it amuses me when Carly finds her brass ovaries and tells Bo’s little woman even though this is the holiday season, not everything revolves around Hope.  Carly informs Bo this has to end…I can’t agree more.

The Brady Christmas tree arrives and Bo texts (texts?) his family to come over and help trim it.  Bo offers Carly a room for the night in light of it’s late and Hope and Sierra are probably off to bed anyway.  It doesn’t really matter; it’s two weeks before Christmas.  Carly remembers the historic date.  And you can see where this is going. It is a perfect opportunity for another flashback, the Bo and Carly pseudo Mayan marriage ceremony…90’s style complete with overly dramatic brows…I mean vows.

Bo throws his own pity party about the loss of holiday Hope.  Carly offers him a hand of support that gently caresses his face and a comforting stare at his lips…just like all good friends do.  Justin sees the intimate gesture from outside the door and of course jumps to the wrong conclusion just as Hopelessness and Sierra arrive.    The kid enters and immediately asks why Carly is still there.  I won’t recap the re-tread of insecurity that is now the character of Hope.   Oh the therapy bills in that kid’s future!

Carly and Justin leave.  They stop by the coffee house for a chat.  Carly quickly sees through the dimples and double speak and tells Justin to lay it on the line.  He tells her he thinks she is after Bo, and she should get the hell out of Salem.  Carly calls him on his fake sentiment and accuses him of holding out for a little Hope himself.  Have to say, best scene in Days, weeks, since Vivian and Carly.

Justin tries to sabotage Carly’s interview at the hospital.  He tells committee member, Dr. Daniel, the applicant is better suited leaving town.  Simultaneously, Carly recognizes the general practitioning Jonas brother and races to embrace him in a medical convention-al kind of way.  Justin: Huh? What?

Carly tracks down Hopelessness to clear the air.  A snide Ms. Brady says she is having a hard time following and is confused about Carly’s intentions.  Perhaps she needs to eat more carbs.  Carly explains to Hope (once again) that she didn’t come back to Salem to steal her man.  She is moving out of Bo’s house and rebuilding her life. Being unable to give up the crop, Hopelessness beats it again and states just because Carly is moving out doesn’t mean Bo will give up on her.  Bo overhears, and agrees.

Two Dodo’s are out bird watching and plotting the demise of a couple of local chicks.  Aunt Ratched returns back to the cuckoo’s nest with Victor, and to her surprise finds Philip, her poached egg, at the mansion.

Carly stops by Java.  Mia finds the well-meaning and maternal Dr. Manning a real grind.  Carly is trying too hard, and Mia is embarrassed that a stranger knows so much about her so-called life.  In her hasty retreat, Carly backs into a young, overly excitable patron spilling coffee on her arm.  Carly gets that motherly-disguised-as-medical look again. No worries, if it’s anything like my neighborhood Starbucks there would be more chance of hypothermia than a first degree flash.

Carly goes back to Maggie’s and tells herself, “Self, that didn’t go so well, but we’ll give it another shot.” And pushes the door into the burn victim’s face.  Upon request, Carly introduces herself and says she’s moving in.  Melanie is a bit of a smart-ass, and for a fleeting second I can see potential.  Then right on cue, in walks the fair-haired Eeyore lamenting Carly’s presence and sending my optimism right back to the 100 Acre Wood.  Carly offers to leave if Mia finds her presence in the house uncomfortable.  Melanie takes her up on the offer.

Spoilers tell us that Melanie is Carly’s daughter, the writers want us to believe Mia could be the teenage bundle of joy.  Who really cares, just pick a blonde and let’s get on with this mother.

In pursuit of the daughter Larry forced her to give up because she played doctor with a friend at a convention, Carly decides to move out of Bo’s house and rent a room from her old friend, Maggie Horton.  Carly explains to the melodramatic Mrs. Garrett that her last gig was canceled; she needs employment and a room.  The red-haired housemother says she will put in a good word with the dean at the hospital, but questions Carly’s motives for wanting a room in her home for wayward girls.  Right on cue, the backup Blair enters the boarding house.  For now, it appears as if the bereaved blond is the definitive character of this miniseries of maternal mess, but I’m thinking, as with most of us, Carly will have more in common with “Jo, the other”.

(Overly narcissistic scenes of Hopelessness intentionally omitted…again.)

Victor sees Viv at Java.  He inquires why she is in Salem.  The wicked witch of the far east responds with, “There’s no place like home.”  It doesn’t take a house falling on Victor’s head to realize Vivian is lying and plotting against Carly.  Having motivation of his own to rid his family of Dr. Manning, Victor is intrigued with Vivian’s scheming.  Over a couple of lattes, Vivian and Victor soon begin to brew up a perfect storm of evil upon which Carly will most certainly have to navigate.

Using terms like “stimulated” and “tingle” (ew!), Victor takes Vivian home where the two V’s consider recruiting Hope as a potential third in their impending Greek tragedy that will have Carly Manning caught between a geriatric Scylla and Charybdis.  Vivian reminds Hope the dangers of having Bo’s former lover, Victor’s former wife, and Vivian’s former niece, in town for too long.  You, see, “V squared” is a simultaneous equation best solved for ex.

This week’s cap is dedicated to the memory of Cathie Wagner.  Seems fitting that it should be the best episode week yet.

Carly is missing from the house.  Bo finds the diva Dr. Phil pier counseling a young blond.  Bo reminds Carly of the dangers of the vengeful Alamains.  They make haste from Hannah Montana but not before Carly hugs the ingenue and gives her a bit of advice…something about the best of both worlds.

Auntie Vendetta is traipsing about the woodlands biting the heads off bunnies and chewing scenery.  Gus texts her a picture of Carly embracing the teen.  “Who the hell is that?”  No Disney channel in Alamainland.  Vivian orders her lackey to follow the young lady instead of the tramp.  One hundred and one minutes later, Cruella DeVivian is at the Java Cafe offering her assistance to the fledgling blond pup.  The young stray is leery of the fir-coated stranger and runs away.

Carly is pacing around the room offering to knit Bo a scarf.  She’s good at stitches.  Carly is lamenting killing Lawrence (thank god no flashback); he was someone she once loved very much.  Bo knows choice…and she had to just do it.  Carly says she can’t go back; she can’t leave Salem now.  Considering the information given SOD and SOW this week, she can’t extradite for Days.  Bo gets a call from Justin that someone has confessed to the murder of Lawrence Alamain.  Carly is free.  This doesn’t make sense, it’s lunacy.  Speaking of madness, Vivian, my favorite Eyre apparent, admits to Gus she staged the falsified concession, thereby exonerating Carly and trifling with her head.

(Overly dramatic pity party of Hopelessness intentionally skipped.)

There is a knock on the door and Carly opens it to find jehovah’s bitchness.  Vivian is on a peace mission carrying a lily.  Carly knows hemlock when she sees it.  Vivian says they shouldn’t let a little family dirt come between them.  They should stick together in a time like this. Vivian grabs Carly’s hand, a move if on CBS would be sexual.  Prying Viv’s talons from her wrist, Carly asks if they are tipped in poison.  Vivian is happy Carly has not lost her sense of humor.  Huh?  What?  Is she watching the same old Youtube clips I am?

Vivian walks into the room and comments on the shabby-chic design style…heavy on the shabby, light on the chic.  I think I may be falling in love!  Olivia says getting really, really old, hasn’t mellowed Vivian in the least.  Yes, I said Olivia.   We have all seen glimpses of the character delivery ebb and flow in the past seven weeks, but in this scene with Louise Sorel, we have a torrent of Carlivia!  Finally!  I don’t know whether to thank the goddess or lay sacrifice at the alter of Agnes Nixon.

I cannot serve this part of the recap the justice it deserves by doing anything other than showing the clip.  It would be sacrilege.

[youtube wFiL27XjCtg nolink]

Note to self:  Self, beg Mimi Torchin’s help and get Louise Sorel for a “Schmootz on” interview.  Crystal, I applaud your restraint.  The fact you didn’t break character until the very end is Emmy deserving in itself.

Vivian meets up with Gus at Java.  After three fingers of perk and a double shot of cafe noir, she tells him getting revenge on Carly will be harder than she thought.  She has Bo wrapped around her little finger for now, but I’m pretty sure other body parts are to come.

Source: NBC's Days of Our Lives

This week in Carlyworld, we have been taken for the same no-thrill ride.  Carly was booked into jail, but not long enough to lament the first verse of Nobody Knows.  When did the FBI begin FastPass for international extradition?  I miss Guiding Light, at least when there was a passively progressive story, there was the pleasure of Peapack.  I’m beginning to think there is a better chance of Carrie Prejean suffering martyrdom in silence than this feature finding fruition.

The recap:

Auntie Vendetta receives her daily Dr. Manning update from Gus.  Ma damn, that is an atrocious accent.  He informs her that Carly has been arrested.  V walks over to the urn and reminds Lawrence that she warned him Carly would love him tinder.   Pack her bag; she is going to Salem.  Gus, get out of my light, I’m ready for my close-up…with Carly.

Source: NBC's Days of Our Lives

Bo checks on the incarcerated old flame.  Anyone ever notice there is never anyone else in the cells?  Where are the hookers and the Goose hounds?  Well, OK, where are the hookers?  Hope and Justin arrive at the station.  Bo asks which one of them turned in Carly.  They both plead not guilty.  Hope goes all Police Woman on Bo when he doesn’t believe her.  She suddenly realizes his animosity is not about Bo and Carly, it’s about Bo and Hope.  See, I love the old soap days…there is no Barly, Bope or Ho.

Source: NBC's Days of Our Lives

Bo wants to know who did this to Carly.  Smelling chum in the water, Victor arrives to an ominous and repetitive soundtrack.  Brady, you’re gonna need a bigger boat.  He admits he turned Carly into the police.  He manipulated Hope into revealing the truth.  Victor doesn’t want Carly to plunge a knife into his son’s belly, so he plunges one into his son’s back instead.  The sooner Carly is out of Bo’s life, the better.

Justin finesses the federal extradition and buys Carly time.  She will be released into Bo’s custody for now.  Carly of course refuses, but Bo reminds her she risked her life coming to Salem for a very important reason.  Is she going to give that up?  And I don’t think there is need for a Garmin to see where this is going…though a Nat-tracker would be nice.

Bo goes to see Hope.  She is puzzled.  He apologizes for accusing her of betraying her word to Carly.  Bo should have trusted her.  Hope accepts, and says she never should have baited a great old white like Victor.   Hope admits she questioned Victor because she is jealous of Carly.  She was a huge part of Bo’s life when he thought all Hope was lost.  Carly was her replacement back then and wonders if history is repeating.  Well, you never know with daytime budgets, first Deidre Hall and then…

Source: NBC's Days of Our Lives

Hope becomes more akin to Charity as she tries to give it away to Bo.  She wants to move back home.  Bo wants to know what brought THIS on.  Is it because she loves him or does she want to keep an eye on Carly?  Both.  Bo questions Hope’s trust in him, and to their family.  Hope says it’s Carly that she doesn’t trust.  Apparently Carly hasn’t given her that convincing Hippocratic oath speech yet.

Source: NBC's Days of Our Lives

Justin tells Carly that her extradition proceedings are continuing and he is doing all he can to keep her from being sent back to the Land of Lawrence.  She can’t leave Salem yet, but she won’t tell Justin why.  Justin is not happy with Carly’s secrecy and leaves to check on the status of his briefs.  Wait, Carly runs to the computer, you can check the V Store online.  Justin is already gone.  While Carly is at the laptop, she completes a drive-by re-tweeting and audibly walks us through a Salem Google search.  She writes something down and rushes out to find a blond street teen sittin’ by the dock of the bay, wasting time.

Source: NBC's Days of Our Lives

The kid wants to know if they have met.  Carly says no, but she thinks they might have a lot in common…like multiple alleles?  Ignoring all those “don’t talk to strangers” after-school specials (wait, those have been replaced by game shows) the girl asks what they could possibly have in common.  Fitting the demographic, what looks to be a twelve year old boy walks up and calls the girl a lying whore.  Whoa, that’s heavy.  He is holding DNA evidence that proves the child the girl gave up for adoption and tried to pass off as his, is not.  Carly intervenes on Mia’s behalf and holds the upset stranger like a…mother?  Jellybean, that boy had no right to talk to you like that.  She is comforted in the fact mothers have to make sacrifices for their kids sometimes.  Carly asks about the girl’s mother, she around?  Perhaps closer than you think…

The beginning of the week can be quickly summed up like this:  Bo to Carly, “You stay in my room.  Carly: “No, I can’t.”  Then: Yes, you can.  No, I can’t.  Yes, you can.  Fine.  Carly to Bo:  “I have to tell Justin”  Bo: “No, you don’t”  Then:  Yes, I do.  No, you don’t.  Yes, I do.  Fine.  Bo leaves to tell Justin, and Carly adjusts Bo’s bed to her own personal sleep number.

While Bo is convincing Justin to help Carly in matters of faux Middle Eastern extradition, the lady of Brady returns to the house.  She is talking to herself about a photo album.  Nice to know the writers share these schizophrenic soliloquies with characters other than Carly.  Before she leaves she decides to look in on her sleeping beau.  Instead, Hope unbearably discovers someone’s been sleeping in her bed.  She finds a formerly fair-haired girl moaning her husband’s name, and by the look on her face, it’s just right.  Hope turns on the light…and there she is!

Got to love it that Carly asks Hope what SHE is doing here.  Hope says this is HER house.  Carly, deducing the obvious, says she knows that.  Carly introduces herself and says this is not what it seems.  Carly tells Hope she is in trouble and Bo is the only person she can turn to.  Hope wants to know why all the secrecy.  Carly explains it was at her request that Bo not say anything.  She murdered Lawrence Alamain (thank god no flashback) and now his men want to avenge that death.  Overkill of this scene puts Hope in danger of a first degree offense herself.

With Carly in the house, Hope is worried for her family’s safety.  Carly says she was under the impression Hope had moved out.  Hope returns Carly’s green-eyed gaze with a monstrous one of her own.  She gets it now.  She moves out; Carly moves in…into her house, into her bed.  Hope is feeling about as out of fashion as a summer white pantsuit after Labor Day.  Hope threatens to have Carly arrested.  She is escorting Carly out of the house when Bo and Justin arrive.  Hope wants to know how Bo could bring that fugitive into their house.  “THEIR house?”  He recalls Hope secretly moving herself and their daughter out to live with a criminal.  Hope says she moved out to give them space to find their way back to each other. Suddenly it becomes all about Hope and her insecurities.  Don’t do as I do, do as I say…something similar to the new state motto of Maine.

Carly explains to Justin why she had to kill Alamain. (thank god no flashback).  She admits that she had to run to keep herself alive.  Hope interrupts and says there is more to Carly’s story.  Hope gives Carly 24 hours to come clean, or it’s her job to turn her in.  Right…Hope, the detective and former bounty hunter, though I can’t envision this character with handcuffs of any kind.  She walked past Carly’s coat without noticing it how many times?  She must have attended the Springfield police academy.

Aunt Vivian is awakened by her manservant with the atrocious accent.  His name is Gus.  Really?  Are they punishing displaced, but loyal, GL fans for some reason?  First Rafe, now Gus, next is Frank, people.  The daytime Norma Desmond threatens to strangle him if this disturbance from slumber is not about Carly Manning.  If she does kill him, we all know who will get his heart.  He informs Vivian they may have located Dr. Manning’s position and will confirm the information shortly.  Viv is disturbed that she doesn’t have specifics.  She wants to know what the hell is shortly…is that next week, next month, next year?  Funny, that is the same way I feel about the pace of this storyline.

Gus returns with the same bad accent and the whereabouts of Carly Manning.  Viv wants to know the location of that murdering guttersnipe.  That’s a great word.  Louise Sorel MUST have brought it with her.  Carly is in Salem.  She is so predictable.  And THAT one is so easy, I will let it go by.  Aunt Vivian sets out to meticulously put together a fool-proof plan, which she says is better than the execution of the plan, because of the anticipation…just like the song.  Viv, focus, you are channeling the wrong Carly.  She pulls it together and begins to think of ways to allow the muse of vengeance to construct the plan that will crush that bitch.  I think I am in love with this character; she had me at guttersnipe.

Hope is sitting in a sulk with Victor.  He asks if Bo threatened her.  Dear lord, now Hope has a flashback…to Carly in bed.  Interesting.  Ok, can we dispense with the flashbacks in return for content with purpose and progression?  Hope admits to Victor that she expected Bo to be missing her more.  But that’s not Bo, he moves on from relationships with no Hope…twice.

Ok, while we are at a lull, where did Carly get the change of clothes?  There is no way, she got those goddess-given contours into the contents of the Brady closet.  Just an observation.  Carly is pacing the floor with anxiety.   She fears that Hope will rat her out,  but Bo reassures Carly she can trust Hope.  Bo gets Carly to sleep.  He covers her with the blanket and goes upstairs.  Carly begins to flash-forward to Lawrence with a dagger in his hand and revenge in his eyes.  Bo runs to protect her and Larry stabs him.  Carly covers the wounds and begins to scream.  Bo awakens Carly from her murderous nightmare.  She stares at her hands.  Out, damned spot.  Carly is now adamant about leaving to protect Bo.  She runs to the door and opens it to Mulder and Scully. They are acting on an anonymous tip that the truth is out there.

Carly Manning, you are under arrest for the murder of Lawrence Alamain…anything you say (even that stuff you say to yourself) can be used against you…

Carly’s less than fantastic voyage ends in Salem Harbor.  Unrevealed Rafe is hot…with fever.  Carly tells Omar they have to get him to the hospital.  Omar wants to leave him on the dock and pass him off to the next good Samaritan.  And here I was thinking Omar was not an American!

Carly wants to know when they “land”…huh?…”dock”…what?…”you know!”  And there she is, wearing an ad lib.  Crystal IS in there somewhere.  Omar reminds Carly that she doesn’t need any extra baggage with Alamain’s men looking for her.  She’s already got a killer carry-on, and a second checked piece could cost her an arm and a leg.

Carly tells Omar to drop her off at the pier, and she will get the meds.  She will signal him when she is back.  Omar refuses and pouts.  Carly utilizes her Olivia eyes from a past life and smiles.  She always gets her way.  Omar hands Carly a flashlight and asks where will she go.  She says her old hunting ground.  Better be careful, Carly, I think it’s doc season.

Keeping with the nautical theme, Omar brings Carly a navy hoodie, and she laments it’s not her color.  Omar chastises her attempts at humor at a time like this.  She apologizes.  She gets that way when she’s nervous.  Really?  This thing hasn’t been a night at the improv so far.  Omar says if anything happens, run, don’t worry about him and the water boy.  Carly is off her mooring as she assures him she will be fine, nothing ever happens in Salem…except that buried alive thing, and that demon possession thing, and…

Omar is bathing Rafe.  Spartacus!  Rafe begins to moan about Sami…Sami.  Buck up, Bud.  It’s Tuesday; she’s on the beach in Malibu with a bunch of Losers.  Rafe is beginning to look a little like an extra from True Blood.  Perhaps in addition to antibiotics, Dr. Manning should prescribe a transfusion as well.  In fact, we could all use a little something positive.

Carly dons the hooded cloak of invisibility and walks undetected into Salem University Hospital.  Somewhere along the line, she sheds the hoodie for the lab coat of latency.  Carly uses her Tweeserman to break into the drug stash and pockets the antibiotics.  Apparently swine flu has sapped the hospital of all its chemical resources because that is a VERY small drug cabinet.

Uh, oh, that guy from the cheesy Titanic flashback.  Carly lurks and listens to his conversation.  Damn, Bo is now the Police Commissioner…that is MUCH different than a cop.  An orderly mistakes Carly for another doctor, and she quickly makes her exit.  The elevator opens and Carly rushes past an old friend.  Sensing something familiar, Maggie turns back.  Horton hears a “who the hell was that?”

Carly arrives back at the boat ready for a nice dry port.  But first she draws the antibiotic into the syringe.  Wait, Carly, you didn’t remove that huge air bub…! And now we wait for the aneurism.  Perhaps DOOL should reconsider that “no rehearsal” thing.  Omar asks if everything went smoothly at the hospital.  There is a possibility someone recognized her, but she will deal with that later.  Her first priority is to cast away the eerily pale man moaning unconvincingly on the couch….oh, brother.

Hot off the press of the Worldly Journal is a 20 year old picture of the murdered Lawrence Alamain and the report of Global Airlines Flight 816 making an emergency landing.   As a felon on the run, Carly’s urgency to get back to the midwest is of utmost importance, so she secures passage on the next…boat?  I’m still not quite sure why Carly couldn’t have just taken another flight from the airport.  Perhaps it was all that mumbling about Bo, and the invariable Mensa member at the service counter thought she said “boat”.  Just when I thought this plot couldn’t get any more plodding, Carly is somewhere west of the Mediterranean on a very SLOW boat to Salem.

Nautically searching for her guiding light, Carly finds Omar instead.  Omar owes Carly at least five days on a boat for a 10 hour surgery several years ago.  There was something about a life for a life.  She explains to him that she is an international escapee on the sacrificial lamb from murdering her husband, the powerful Alamain.  Omar says, OK, I’m sure you had a good reason.  That 10 hour surgery must have been a lobotomy.

Omar later enters Carly’s room holding a tray, “Coffee?”  I thought this wasn’t supposed to be a gay storyline?  Carly says caffeine makes her jittery.  She is a wanted woman, and Alamain’s reach is far.  Rumor has it Alamain procured Mayor Wolfe’s goons and they are pissed they are now unemployed and without health care benefits.  They won’t rest until they find the knife plunging princess.  Carly wants to make a phone call, but any communication could give away their location.  No Twitter?  Carly needs to get to Bo in record time.  Any chance of a tail wind?

Carly is looking through papers that she quickly conceals behind the sofa cushions.  She is checking the script to see when this thing will get better.  The monotony is broken by three long blasts of the vessel’s horn…man overboard.  There is a body in the water.  Carly says bring him on board…to hell with her security, she took an oath to save lives.  The Hippocratic oath says to first do no harm…too late, this is killing me.  Carly ponders if she saves this life, would it absolve her of taking another?  (If I continue to watch and recap, will it absolve me of *EDITED FOR CONTENT*)

Dr. Carly Manning begins CPR 101 on the unidentified drowning victim.  The resuscitation step of the Wikipedia list bears a remarkable resemblance to making out considering no one’s cheeks are puffing with air…and it’s obvious the actor is smiling.  It gives a whole new meaning to rescue breathing.

Carly assures the victim that he is going to be ok, she is a doctor…an out of practice one…but a doctor.  Carly starts to undress the man who they plucked from the frigid waves of the Atlantic.  Is this the part of Olivia that CC said she brought with her?

There is more fumbling attempts at CPR…coughing, coughing…but no lung water brought up.  Must be swine flu.  Carly searches for the floater’s pulse;  it’s thready…damn, he sure is moaning and thrashing around for near dead.  Carly says they have to get him to the hospital.  He is suffering from hypothermia (which I get) and a possible concussion (how do you know).

CPR again on a man who is moaning?  Ok, Carly, this is CPR, not a massage.  The good doctor instructs Omar to find the first aid kit.  Huh?  Dr. Carly MacGyver can hook up a defibrillator with a band-aid, a little waxed dental floss, and that battery powered pleasure piece Blake Marler mailed her.

Now the “dying man” is having a flashback.  A blonde is washing his chest.  He is moaning again, though this time I don’t think it’s from cold.  He is saying,  “Sssssaaa…”.  Carly moves in and asks him his name.  Flashback Barbie says, “Rafe.”   Every fiber of my being says NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Carly begins to hallucinate Alamain.  Oy vey, that man’s do is definitely a Glamor don’t.  He accuses Carly of trying to save a life to atone for the one she took.  Carly tells him he is nothing but a bad memory and inquires of his new residence in hell.  Say hi to all those broadcast network executives.

Carly doesn’t feel guilty for her crime and she has no regrets.  She killed Alamain before he was able to kill someone she loves very much. IDK.  Alamain asks if that is true why did she run away?  And why did she do it so badly?  A boat, Carly, really?  He warns Carly that his people will find her and punish her.  Then he vanishes.

More flashbacks to the blonde.   Rafe (ewww) starts mumbling again and says Sam.  Carly goes near and asks, “Sam, who is Sam?”  Sam I am? Would you could you on a boat? I would not could not on a boat, on a plane, or on this soap.

Carly is afraid the man will be in further danger if he stays with her on the boat.  She wants Omar to drop them at the next port so he can be in greater danger with her on land.  The purser pulls a gun on Carly.  He tells her the tides have turned.  Damn, wish I had thought of that line.  Punny.  He recognizes her as the fugitive wife.  Alamain’s inner circle has offered the yeoman $100,000 to eliminate Carly.  You just know something is about to happen to this dumb-ass. What idiot accepts dollars instead of euros?

The half-dead human driftwood leaps from his bed and grabs the goon-in-training’s gun giving Carly a window of opportunity to push a well positioned pump into Gopher’s groin.  Carly disarms the henchman, and Rafe passes out from the melodrama.  She reiterates the need to get him to the hospital.  Omar ties up the bad guy and readies the dinghy.

Rafe regains consciousness and keeps mumbling about a baby…dear lord, here we go again.

Let me take a moment to point out that this recap, or Carly Cap, is a pilot program based solely on reader feedback.  I received several requests to fill the written CC void, and I will continue as long as there is a desire for me to do so.  Just remember, it’s all in fun, right?  I will not be recapping the entire soap.  The Days of hot ratings sustenance is over and I’m not a big fan of cold serial.

Oh, and since I don’t have an editor, the language will be all mine.  The curse words, however, I will borrow from Mimi Torchin from time to time.  Here we go…

A familiar voice is off camera. There is some talk about a monster. Could it be, or is it just wishful thinking? A man says he never knew he married such a total bitch!  It is, it is Olivia Spencer!  Personal dream sequence is over.  That is one crazy-eyed Carly Manning (Crystal Chappell) stabbing, with surgical precision, her husband of 15 years, Lawrence Alamain (Michael Sabatino).  Apparently, she hates his hairstyle, too.

Running from her international crime of passion, Carly boards a direct flight from the Principality of Monaco to Salem.  Huh?  What?  I guess that’s how Grace Kelly got back to the Midwest, too.  Non-stops from Mediterranean islands is probably how all those homos are getting to the gay marriage Mecca of Iowa.

Flashback 15 years to Cleopatra in shoulder pads, no, that’s Carly, and Lawrence as they long ago left behind the sunset of Salem in the jet-wash of a Gulfstream.  Now she flies commercial; must be the recession. They were so happy back then, and so each needing a complete meal.

Flash-forward, Carly is wrapped in swaddling clothes and is downing her spirits wholly.  She knows that Bo (Peter Reckell) will help her.  Who?  Oh, yeah, that guy on the Youtube chronology.  Flashback to her stabbing the crazy hair Larry…again.    Carly calls Bo from the airphone, and right on cue, the connection terminated…turbulence.  Must be foreshadowing, or some yahoo in coach turned on their cell phone.

Just to drive it home one more time, flashback to that knife thing…again.  Stab him once, shame on him; stab him twice, shame on her; stab him three times, shame on me for continuing to watch.

Flying down the bumpy path to cliche, every time Carly begins her call, turbulance.  She  inquires of the flight attendant about the phone connection.  You guessed it, IDK.  The oven dings and she runs back down the aisle to check her cookies.

I was told there was another knifing flashback, but I didn’t watch it.  The plane continues to lurch.  Carly is terrified that the plane is going down.  The coordinates indicate the plane to be above Springfield, IL.  THAT explains it; the bumping and grinding is the result of crossing the acceleration path of two bodies of hot air moving vertically at differing speeds…together.

A scary Larry illusion replaces Les Nessman in the seat next to Carly.  He grabs her hand and tells her he is taking her to hell with him…I think she is already there.