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I need help here.  My superhero cape is at the cleaners due to an unfortunate martini incident, and quite frankly, this situation needs a power higher than the District Attorney, the Mayor, and the Justice of the Peace.  God knows, and you probably do, I have done all things super-humanly possible with Liv.  I got Olivia out of the bar and into the truth…no, it wasn’t ladies night.  After our afternoon come to Jesus, (sorry) she couldn’t resist confessing her undying love to Natalia.  Oh, Lord, it was so heart wrenching…her own award winning passion play.  Oh, yeah, you heard…of course you did.

Well, now it’s up to you, God.  I’m kryptonite spent!  Give Natalia a sign.   Show her that you are not that vengeful, fire and brimstone characterization of old.  You are deity 2.0. Obama is in the White House. (Thanks for that one by the way.)  There is hope.  Show her life is about love, not fear.

What?  I know Liv didn’t give Nat a chance to respond.  We superheroes can only do so much.  I couldn’t keep Olivia from getting in her own way.  For once in her heart-breaking history she wants to be unselfish and do the right thing…or what she thinks is the right thing.  I know, timing, right?  Mortals…they should leave the tough decisions to Superfriends and the Almighty.

What’s that?  Oy vey!  Don’t give me that free will thing.  I’m not asking you to send someone down from the mount with ten rules or anything, just a small sign…or two.  Well, maybe a plague on Frank.  No, we don’t have that much time.  Let’s talk about that later.

I know, I know, Liv’s confession should have been one of those grand divinations like parting the sea, but that ship has sailed, so concentrate.  A montage sequence?   Yeah, great idea.  We can string together Liv’s confession, and the fact she wouldn’t let Nat answer, with the absence of Father Ray at the ceremony.  How busy can a priest in Springfield be?  Oh, that was you, good move.  Then we include Rafe’s “be happy” comment and pepper in more of Liv’s confession.  Tie that in with the fact a big old lesbian is standing up there presiding over her marriage ceremony and you have a prognostication of biblical proportions!

Oh, and if this doesn’t work…can you perform some kind of act of yourself?  Thanks.  Keep me in your five.  Something tells me I will have to go all wonder woman on Liv again.  Bye.

3 martini lunch

It’s all cozy and nice talking to little Emma about cupcake wedding tiers, but what Liv needs right now is something fermented, straight-up (so to speak), adult, and dirty.  Add a little oily fruit, and what do you get?  Doris.

“It’s not a date.  I said drink, not dinner.”

What better way to escape a farmhouse full of Frank than a three martini lunch with the mad hatter.  For Olivia, getting wasted away again in Martyr-itaville is better than facing the fact that Nat and the Frank-furter have moved up the wedding…to this afternoon.  Olivia may have been looking for a “sista” with a little compassion, but Doris is not the caring kind to allow her one pathetic moment of cowardice or pity.  Doris is living her closeted life through OTALIA right now, and like so many of us, will be damned to see it screwed up by a daytime diva hiding behind her well aged gin.

Doris is us; she is the mouthpiece of the viewer, the fan, and the OTALIA widow that wants her spouse back from the abyss.  She is bellied up to the bar telling Olivia not what she wants to hear, but what she needs to hear.  For every angst ridden big purple dreamer yelling at the TV and computer screen, Doris is telling her to stop talking with her eyes and start speaking with her mouth!   Olivia, tear your right foot off the Beacon barstool and get back to the farm.  You have to stop this wedding before it ruins the lives of all of us…and I mean ALL of us.

Doris, now is the time to don that superhero cape, you know, the one that goes with the pretty hat, and save the world as we know it…and want it.  We are counting on you to give Liv a snoot full of confidence to go along with that libation.  Those martinis are not the only thing shaking…or stirring…in Springfield.

Doris and Olivia

My OTALIA obsessed significant other is all amuck about circulating rumors that Doris will step out from under her fedora and try to convince Olivia to stop the impending nuptials between Natalia and Frank.  Apparently, the antagonistic pair of closeted politician and questioning hotel owner have bonded over Ladies Night, headwear fashion, and blackmail.   That must have been SOME martini! 

As part of our civil union agreement, I have compromisingly agreed to be copied on email correspondence between my prepossessed spouse and other members of the OTALIA brigade.  (Read my post, Ode to an OTALIA Widow, and you can catch up.)   Upon breaking the news of the “DOLIVIA” conversation, one of our mutual friends in need of a twelve step addiction program proclaimed that Doris is her hero.  Doris?  Really?  Well, I will admit, all notable superheroes DO wear a disguise. 

Now, in her fantasies, I would be willing to bet Doris has an unrestricted reality of saving the cheerleader and saving the world, however, I believe my Tar Heel gal pal had a different kind of hero in mind.  Doris is the personification of all those verbal bricks of angst hurled by OTALIA fans at TV and computer screens all over the world.  Doris brings to life Sister Ann’s closing door analogy and slams it on Liv’s foot.  Damn it, wake up and smell the tuna noodle casserole!   Stop the wedding, Olivia!   It is your duty as a “friend” to run this intervention.  Enlighten Natalia of the health hazards tied to a life diet comprised of too much Frank-furter. 

Doris doesn’t possess enough courage to live a complete truth in her own life, but today she is donning the honesty cape and becoming a super woman for Olivia.  Using her x-ray vision, Doris can see right through Olivia’s desire to do the “right thing” by bandaging over her bleeding, transplanted heart and sacrificing her own happiness to give Nat what she thinks will make her happy.  Faster than our ability to forward through other parts of the show, and able to leap martyred BS in a single bound, Doris encourages Olivia to stop the wedding and tell Natalia how she feels.  Natalia deserves the right to choose. 

Thanks, Doris…now you can go for the cheerleader.