And then it came to me…(with a little encouragement from a Twitter follower), the 1950′s Lucy and Desi beds…complete with their own set of handcuffs, and once again, not the good kind.

I love Otalia…

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Soap Opera Network is reporting that ABC will carry the Daytime Emmys next year as the House of Mouse discovered the CW garnered a 2.4 rating (3 million viewers) last night, the networks highest ratings share in months.  I smell a rat.  I surmise Mighty Mouse is not out to save the day, but merely muscling in on the green cheese.

Adding to my confusion of last night’s programming, was a bizarre segment that I can only refer to as Project Skankway.  Introduced by CW’s Tyra Banks, soap stars such as Susan Lucci were drafted to slink and slime their way across the stage to the reverberating rewind of a fashion photog’s camera in order to showcase the fashion forward sense of daytime TV.  Really?  Are they watching the same soaps I am?  Seems quite a dichotomy between thought and action considering the celebrity green room was sponsored by K-mart.

Speaking of dichotomy, whose idea was it to run a beautifully emotional segment on Feed the Children on the high heels of that fashion abomination?  The subject matter, the heroic people involved, and the children deserved better.

Betty White introduced the Guiding Light tribute segment in a way only Betty White can, with humor and with grace.  Seventy-two years of broadcast and over 16,000 episodes is a benchmark never to be matched.  Fans of the show have voiced their displeasure at having the segment come to an abrupt end before deserving recognition was attributed.  To me the ending was synonymous to the cancelation.  There was a quick fade to black and a brusque musical silence as if the fat lady was choked off just as she was warming up to sing.

I went to bed wondering…which one of these soaps will be cut off next year.

I have been thinking about the last month of the OTALIA storyline and Jessica Leccia’s welcomed return next week. Maybe it’s the thin air or perhaps one of my rare moments of cynic-less personal clarity, but I have been pondering that through no fault of her own, Jessica has at times become an afterthought…a sidekick of sorts, relegated to the background behind the shiny, attention-getting lead.  But when you think about it, what would Lucy be without Ethel, Diana Ross without the supreme Mary Wilson, and yes, John Adams without Abigail? A soliloquy.

Anyone watching Guiding Light over the past month can attest that without Leccia in her role as Natalia, the storyline became frustratingly disjointed.  As I asked before in referring to her maternity leave, how do you solve a problem like Leccia?  You don’t.  It’s like craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you are out of peanut butter.  A jelly sandwich is ok, but without the foundation, it’s just sweet filler with no substance.

Without Leccia there is No-talia.  Jessica’s portrayal of Olivia’s same-sex better half brings a personality that compliments the diva dynamic and brings out what is paramount in the personified word.

Otalia’s chemistry is more than a simple equation that can be balanced by moving one element or the other, but a sympathetic understanding of the elements that compose the whole.  Without Natalia, it just doesn’t seem to matter, and chemistry without matter is undefined.

I am anxious to see Jessica back to work so that Natalia can finally identify the essential qualities of this relationship.  Having been forcibly infected with a sickly and situational IDK-itis and then impregnated with platitude, it is my desire that time (and maternity leave) is the cure for what ails.

Jessica, I have missed you.  And though Natalia’s blank stares have provided copious fodder for a myriad of recaps, I am anxiously awaiting her new found lucidity. Otalia without Nat just left me with O, as in Oh my god this is painful.  No second fiddle has ever left such a void in the composition.  I welcome your return to Springfield and the complex harmonic motion resulting in your reappearance.

In the interview, Crystal is referring to her character, Olivia’s, near naked replacement romp with ex-husband Josh.  Even the most naive water-carrier saw this one coming.  There has been sexual tension between them for weeks, add that to a sexually denied Olivia, the heartbreak of a runaway love interest who is secretly pregnant with a Frank-furter’s baby, and you have the perfect daytime diva distraction.  Hell, if Gus were to suddenly come back to life after a covert undercover assignment with the CIA, I would call this the consummate long-term soap storyline.  Alas, Guiding Light has an expiration date, and that bulb burns out in about a month.

Can you honestly blame Chappell for wanting to shake her money makers a little bit?  She has been wearing restraints for months, and not the good kind.  Her character has been handcuffed so often, she is actually carrying them in her purse.

If nothing else from this article we can garner that the CBS censors are in full tilt.  I believe my previous suspicions are confirmed as even the body positions of this upcoming no-label-required tryst is interrupted by the powers that be.  While Chappell is permitted to take “the girls” out for a well deserved walk, the Standards and Practices allowance is apparently no top.  A simulated spoon is fine, but you better not fabricate a fork.

I have to ask, why?  The demise date on this thing is so close it’s beginning to smell, and CBS is worried about who’s on top?  Could this be corporate push-back to the audacity of hope?  My cynicism not withstanding, there is still quite a bit of hope out there.  Hope that if Josh can have recess with “the girls”, then perhaps at some point in the next month Natalia can come out and play.

Hey, I get it.  “The girls” are back in town but Natalia is not.  In this scene of the “weak”, it’s Josh who gets the booby prize.  What do you think the chances are when Nat gets back that she will get a little “cheek”?

Probably pretty good if you are thinking more face fondling.  At this point to consider any Otalia affection toward a body part other than the face cheek is just asinine.

Natalia is MIA, but we’re missing Olivia…

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Olivia is losing it..

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Who knew Natalia would run away without telling Olivia where or why? Olivia didn’t.

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This week on Guiding Light…

Olivia longs for the promise of yesterday…

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Will Natalia stay or go?

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See Part 2 tomorrow

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Oy vey! GL, did you really do it? Is Natalia really pregnant? I would love to win a fabulous dinner off my partner, but I admit it would be bittersweet.  Yes, I bet her an expensive dinner at the restaurant of our choice that Natalia was going to end up pregnant with the Frank-furter’s baby. I called the old soap ploy from the first inkling of the suggestion; Nat throws up.  I hope I am wrong, but all indications for now point to a knocked up Nat.

I’m usually pretty savvy that way because I have been a lesbian more years than I will publicly admit.  I’ve seen a multitude of attempts at trying to portray my life, but sadly, they always come up just a little bit wanting…as in wanting less cliché, wanting fewer platitudes, and wanting more than a few crumbs thrown my way.  As a result, my first inclination is to jump to the obvious conclusion, but I have to ask myself have you planned it this way?

I admit am skeptical that once this boulder is in motion there is little force to stop its Newtonian progress.  There are rumors about false positives and “pregnant doesn’t always mean baby”…well, I think the latter is disingenuous and opens a Pandora’s box of controversy with this character.  A false positive is something I gave little consideration considering Proctor & Gamble would never allow one of it’s well place products to come up short in accuracy.  I gave it little consideration until yesterday when Natalia picked up the aptly disguised “OPT” box.  There is no OPT, just a very cleverly and legally defensible transformation of a competitor’s product.  Is this a cheap ploy to ramp the rhetoric of a marginalized community and check the temperature of its fever pitch?  Pregnant or pregnant ploy, how is either one of these plot devices loyal to the representative narrative you set in motion?

I am the biggest cynic south of the stratosphere, but I have to give you credit. This storyline began beautifully.  I even called the label-less approach genius as we could apply our own labels according to life’s lessons learned.  The slow, quiet build was a traditional soap ploy that worked.  It gave us time to buy in with little preconceived notion…even those of us who resisted for so long couldn’t deny there was something there, something different.

What happened?  That glacial soap movement soon turned into something just short of continental drift.  OTALIA became the melodramatic Pangaea.  De-sexualizing this couple out of whatever corporate pressure you are under anesthetized the pace.  And now you are impregnating or simulating the impregnation of Natalia as a logistical answer to Jessica’s maternity leave?  I cannot begin to tell you how many ways that is insulting whether plot or ploy, but I can offer you a few suggestions on how an alternative would bring about a better result and a happier ever after…especially since this thing is a wrap in a month.  Who knows, this is a soap, and things change.  Depending on which way the public or corporate wind blows, Natalia could wake up from a very bad dream of failed pregnancy tests and soap fan blow-back.

Ok, why not have a little fun, shall we?  It’s healthier than ranting about how pathetic another stereotypical and trite, pregnant, lesbian couple, that can’t stand alone as an independent family unit, is portrayed on TV.

4-Week Arc Suggestions Better Than Pregnancy

Kidnapping – Blake and Doris concoct a scheme of misadventure to create Doliva and Nake, their very own portmanteau.
A coma – Father Ray is the Prince of Darkness and sucks the life out of Natalia.  He’s got a good start; just allow this over-bearing element of the storyline to continue to suck for the next month.

Buried alive – Natalia gets wrapped up in one of those huge scarves and is stuck in her closet for a month.

A fat farm – Considering the only cooking going on between Nat and Olivia is limited to what comes out of the cookie pan, Natalia needs more hiking.

Demon possession – It’s not quite as trite as lesbian pregnancy and it gives Father Ray just one more reason to damn Natalia to hell.

Cloned – No, that would ultimately create an Olivia sandwich, and since they can limit the eats to only cookies, then CBS would never go for that.

Unexplained Illness – IDK-itis manifests as a four-week blank stare.

Now, these are only a few suggestions quickly thrown together by a non-professional.  I realize the point is probably moot now the Frank-n-bun is baking, but come on how long did it take you to sit in a room and come up with pregnancy?   I just can’t fathom how even a potentially pregnant OTALIA would fit into the deserved ideal of canceled happily ever after.