The animals outside my office window are beginning to pair up in twos, and it has nothing to do with torrential rain of biblical proportions. It’s Spring and everything is “twitterpated”. You don’t have to be a doe-eye Disney character to realize the ardurous awakening from winter’s dormancy has begun…that, and the wildlife of Palm Springs is beginning to stir. I don’t mean roadrunners and coyotes, I mean the wildlife of Dinah Shore. Yes, it is the first weekend of April and lesbian Spring Break is upon us. Now, my friends, before you don those Havianas and my-illegal-in-45-states-wife beaters, there are a few things to consider.
Dinah, the lady herself, should never be forgotten. Just in case you were under the impression the name came from a childhood railroad song, think again. Dinah Shore was a torch singer in the 1940’s and 50’s, an actress, and a television talk show star into the 1990’s who made her own way to an acclaimed career. Dinah won nine Emmy’s, a Peabody, and a Golden Globe, but perhaps one of her most significant accomplishments was a long and happy romance with Burt Reynolds, who was 20 years her junior. Dinah Shore was a cougar before cougar was cool. So, all you 40-somethings out there attending the LPGA weekend, channel your inner Dinah and set your course. You just might be allowed to play through.
Don’t assume that what goes on at Dinah, stays at Dinah. There are cameras EVERYWHERE. Forget the Patriot Act and facial recognition software, there is Twitter, My Space, Flickr, Facebook, iPhone, Blackberry, Droid, vindictive ex’s, and a world wide web of sites just waiting to post your picture and anything else you got out there. So ladies, I say own it. If you are standing in line to hear Queens of the World and Anyone But Me star, Nicole Pacent, recite ABM slam poetry, you are not there for the golf and the comradery of sports.
It’s never a bad idea to write (in Sharpie) your hotel address and emergency phone number on some part of your body. In a mind altered atmosphere purses, wallets, and smart-phones get lost, and let’s face it, even cougars get captured by animal control. So, if your buddy system breaks down, or you just get dumped for something better, there is a fallback plan. It’s just like your mother writing your name in the waistband of your underwear before you went off to camp…but at Dinah, undergarments have a habit of getting lost, too.
Have fun all of you. Enjoy the sisterhood of whatever pants you can find. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, and enjoy a libation or two for the ‘Schmootz. And for my fellow Dinah cougars out there, make sure you get in 18.