Last week, I took a few minutes to read over the science news making headlines. I know, I hear you, but the ‘Schmootz can’t be all about the sci-fi same-sexploits of Canadian Succubi, lame politics, and the greatest bong hits of a former Disney Diva. So, hang in there with me, and you might find this interesting.
As I was perusing the scientific findings of the week, I saw the headline, Mercury is Gay. Well, I have to tell you, no great shock there. Have you seen Mercury?
Then I put on my glasses. Oh, the pollutant, mercury, makes you gay. The article is about the homosexual-izing of small males covered in feathers…with red mouths and an ankle band. At first, my hair dresser came to mind, but the study is actually about the white ibis bird. Researchers at the University of Florida found that a diet containing high amounts of the element, mercury (Hg), effects mating pairs of the native south Florida avian. The higher the mercury content, the higher the degree of homosexual pairing. Peter Frederick, wildlife ecologist and the professor who led the experiment, says, “This suggests that wildlife may be commonly affected.” One can only extrapolate that he is referring to the residents of South Beach.
Well, in the new age of kumbaya and compromise you can believe in, I can certainly see where this is an issue Conservatives and Environmentalist can come together. No right-winger gives a damn about the metro-sexual male fish of Boulder, Colorado. After all, it’s Boulder, Colorado, and estrogen in the drinking water is the least of their problems. There was no real consensus a few years ago when soy was reported as the source of gay. I mean, after all, soy is for sissies, right? No self-respecting Texan messes with tofu, but Tuna-helper is a horse of a different color.
So, to keep from getting the gay, here is what we need to do. Please contact your Representative and Senators and let them know that investment in wind, solar, and clean coal energy is the proscribed vaccination. Sixty-five percent of all mercury releases to the atmosphere that are of human contribution come from coal-fired power plants. Another way to steer clear of the queer is greater government investment in infrastructure to responsibly dispose of municipal hazardous waste. Mercury contaminated auto parts, batteries, electronics, light bulbs, and medical wastes contribute significantly to aging and non-retrofitted land fills.
I understand all you climate change deniers out there. You have a point, it’s just weather, and who gives a shit about polar bears and the flooding of the Liberal eastern sea board? This is something important. Mercury makes you gay, and unless you are willing to give up your catfish fry and sucking crawfish heads, then taking an active stewardship in your aquatic environment is imperative. You never know, clean planet, straight world?
Now, what about those lesbians, do you think it’s the fish?